You can't just eat six PB&J sandwiches in a row and expect to get away with it

You can't just eat six PB&J sandwiches in a row and expect to get away with it

VicesJanuary 04, 2014

So, you think you can just sit down and eat an unlimited amount of peanut butter and jelly in between two slices of crusty bread with a glass of milk on the side? Who in the hell do you think you are?

Better yet, who in the hell does Jerome Davis' brother think he is? The gluttonous imbecile reportedly treated himself to a whopping six PB&J sandwiches in one sitting, which is technically five more PB&J sandwiches than makes any sense. But this gross violation of human decorum didn't go unnoticed. Jerome saw his brother's unchecked exploitation of the household PB&J supply, and like a true American defender of right and wrong, threatened his life with a knife because, well, that was just too many sandwiches for one man to eat, okay?

Jerome became enraged that his brother had the insufferable audacity to consume that vast a quantity of the tasty treat, because after all, jelly ain't exactly cheap. Allegedly, his brother made and consumed three of the things in the living room, but after deciding that he hadn't had his fill of sticky-sweet goodness, retired to the kitchen to continue his reign of terror with three more yum-yums. We feel sick just thinking about it.

But that's where Jerome sprung on him, with this bad-boy of an insult: "You're an over-eater!" he taunted. "I am not!" said his brother, eager to defend his honor.

"You're lazy, and you're eating again," bellowed Jerome, who then, in a fit of rage at his brother's jelly-eating, whipped out a blade, held it to his brother's throat, and threatened to "cut" him.

But a belly full of peanut butter wasn't the only thing Jerome's brother was armed with. He too, had a knife on him (perhaps the same one he used to slather the condiments all over each other?), and lunged at Jerome, beginning a terrifying bloodlust that seemed like it would never end.

Until the cops came.

They came, they saw, and they took Jerome far, far away. He was charged with domestic assault and sent to jail...where there no doubt exists a bounty of PB&J sandwiches just waiting for a hero to defend them. Have you ever been to prison? That's all they've got in there; PB&J and toilet wine. 

So, kids, don't be like Jerome and his brother. Do the smart thing, and eat your eleven PB&J's alone if you know what's good for you.