Your April Hookup Horoscope knows what is and isn't going inside you this month

Your April Hookup Horoscope knows what is and isn't going inside you this month

SexApril 03, 2017

The stars say you’re in for a wild ride.

Capricorn

This month, the moon squares off with your sun sign of Saturn, an aspect which imbues you with a sudden and thoroughly annoying attachment to your past relationships. You’re preoccupied by thoughts of your exes, and you’re willing to use any sort of manipulating tactic possible to get them back. Too bad, Ms. Hansen is currently doing time for the illegal 2008 romance you shared and will not be able to “make her booty bounce for you again” as you requested.

Aquarius

This month, you find it unseasonably easy to ignite sexual passion with whoever you’re sexual passion-ing. Your communication is clear and on-point thanks to Mercury in your seventh house. You have no problem telling anyone what you want. They, in turn, appreciate the honesty and are receptive to your considerable imagination. It’s all smooth sailing until they realize what you want involves chocolate sauce, a flamethrower and an iguana.

Pisces

Your increasingly pervasive “I don’t give two fucks attitude” is particularly charming this month, Pisces. Other signs see your noncommittal, casual attitudes towards sex as a bangable trait. Don’t be surprised if your characteristic sexual and romantic apathy attract more than a few human specimens. This isn’t a problem, unless you’re looking for something more serious, in which case find two fucks to give or there’ll be no fucks at all.

Aries

You’re kinda burnt out on sex this month, Aries. Your normally red-hot libidio is on hiatus after a string of disappointing penetrations, and you feel like you need this month to rest, relax and reset. However, your sudden inavailability and hard-to-get-ness may be tested when an extremely inopportune person you find extremely attractive tries to get all up in your shit.  Best advice? Don’t go there.

Taurus

Thanks to all your stable earth energy, it can be really hard to surprise you. This actually makes you one of the most versatile and valuable signs in bed. Nothing grosses you out or embarrasses you, which is why this month, you should really try roleplay. Your unflappable nature is sure to help play the part with as much dedication and conviction as that giant monkey in Kong. He was just amazing.

Gemini

This month, with the moon in your seventh house and Neptune in your fifth, emotional turmoil and intense sex-fucking are a guaranteed part of your future. Expect a rollercoaster — like sex where you wrestle first and cry after. The good news is that because you’re capable of loving and fucking more than one person at a time, you’ll always have a new person to turn to when someone else does you wrong. Ever considered polyamory? Well, now you have.

Cancer

Due to your loving, quiet nature, everyone always associates you with domesticity, servitude and submissiveness. LOL at that. In reality, you’re only that way toward people you’re not fucking. In the bedroom, that script gets flipped and you crave domination, which is, when you’re with the right partner, a form of service itself. That’s right up your alley and asshole. This month, get in touch with your inner dominant.

Leo

Since you’re such a great leader and whatnot, why not use your natural capacities to organize some sort of sex event for you and your friends? It could be an orgy, a cuddle party, a threesome or some sort of educational thing where you listen to someone talk for an hour and let them sell you dildos. Your up-and-at-em approach to community sex organization will bound to get something up and at you.

Virgo

With Uranus in your first house of personal expression this month, expect to find yourself attracted to messier, less organized people and situations than usual. The couch-surfing backpacker from Euro-somewhere. The person who has a love life like a reality TV drama. Anyone digging in, or through, anything. You feel like you’re a solution to these people’s problems, and, well, you god dang damn well could be.

Libra

Your love of learning and academia is exemplified tenfold in April when Jupiter and Mercury square off in your fourth house. This makes you hot for teacher in a major way — pretty much anyone who is older, wiser and more experienced than you will give you a boner so hard it could be a quantum physics exam. Slow your roll though; older folk like a slow build, so stop humping Grandma Professor’s leg and get to know them at a reasonable pace instead.

Scorpio

What makes you think your fantasies are so weird, Scorpio? This month, let go of the notion that you’re the only person with a creative sexual imagination. We guarantee you that opening yourself up to other people’s insane ideas about what to do in the bedroom will make things a lot more interesting. That’s exactly what you need right now — some freaky-ass kink boning — to get you past Pluto’s depressing wet-blanket influence.

Sagittarius

While you’re normally incredibly blunt and straightforward with your partners, your sex life would benefit from a little bit of verbal and physical self control this month. Instead of your usual direct approach, back off a bit and see what it’s like to play mind games with your partner. Tease them and don’t let them have you until you’re completely in control. It’ll be hard for you because you have no patience or tact, but trust us: woooorth it.