Your April horoscopes are in and prove social distancing isn't very hot
One sex. Two sex. Three sex. Floor.
Mar. 21-Apr. 20
Welcome to your birthday month Aries. *slow clap* The stars predict you'll be sitting at home, alone ... a lot. You'll try and read a few books you've had on the shelf for years but then quickly resort to masturbating again while 'Tiger King' runs on a loop in the background. Your April color is green, like the grass outside you'll never touch again.
Apr. 21-May 21
Prepare for wild kitchen adventures this month Taurus ... mostly pacing back and forth hoping something sweet magically appears in the fridge after the third time opening it. Your sex life will be nonexistent save for the few times you brush your junk against the wall stumbling drunk to bed again. Your April number is 0, just like the number of dinner guests you'll be having over all spring.
May 22-June 21
You're horny as fuck like always, but without the possibility of going to bars or venues to pick up strange you're stuck overusing the washing machine's spin cycle. Expect your bills to go up during the social lockdown because of this. Your April number is 7, we're not sure why it just is. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
June 22-July 22
This is your time to shine, Cancer, because social distancing has been one of your favorite activities since the aughts. Your self-pleasuring skills are at professional levels and you've mastered the art of not watching the news. You're blissfully ignorant this month just whacking away without a care in the world.
July 23-Aug. 21
Whew, that was a close one. That partner you dumped at the end of February would no doubt have killed your quarantine vibe. Consider yourself lucky you're in this solo and take time for yourself and your secret kinks. Go ahead and name all of the pots and pans handles like you've always wanted. Not like this year can get any weirder.
Aug. 22-Sept. 23
Your married friends are having the best sex of their lives right now, which you're happy about. Right!? You're happy!?!? HAPPY!!! RIGHT!!?!?! No, of course not. You've always preached on social media that #SingleIsLife and are now coming to terms with the lie. When you get out of self-isolation, lock down the first thing you see. Your number this month is 1 ... because it's the loneliest number that you'll ever dooooo.
Sept. 24-Oct. 23
Too bad Libra, any other month you'd be having the craziest, most unattached sex of your life. This was supposed to be your month — but alas, the lockdown happened and who knows when the stars will align again for you. Consider going asexual and giving yourself to God. Or a box of Ding Dongs. Whichever comes first.
Oct. 24-Nov. 22
Good news Scorpio, online dating is trending and that's where you're going to find your forever match! Tinder, Bumble, Craigslist FREE ads ... whatever suits you. Just be warned now that life as you know it will be changed. Of course, you'll be dating via Zoom and masturbating to each other's pics for months before physical contact but hey ... 2020 rules y'all!
Nov. 23-Dec. 22
Spring is in the air and so is the stench of your unwashed work clothes. Seriously Sagittarius, did you not get the memo? Take this time alone to discover yourself, sexually and laundryally. There are no bars open, no venues to crash, nothing for you to find one-nighters at (your most impressive superpower). And BTW, when was the last time you washed your hands?
Dec. 23-Jan. 20
S'up Cap!? Seeing as how you weren't any good locking anyone down before, not sure why you think this month will be any different. Like every other sign this month, you'll be hanging out with your hands and other kitchen utensils to pass the time. It's like the old Mother Goose rhyme goes: Masturbating is fun. Masturbating is freeing. At least when you're alone, they won't see you peeing.
Jan. 21-Feb. 19
As you're often considered to be the most sexually "woke" of the signs, this month poses a rather uncomfortable problem: no lube. You'll get creative and discover things in your kitchen you forgot years ago. Use those to make a nice dinner. It'll be like a stranger came over to cook and ghosted before the fun.
Feb. 20-Mar. 20
You find new joy in flirting with the Amazon delivery guy by spelling out sweet notes of love with nipple grease on the window. As your only connection to the outside world he becomes your beacon of hope and prosperity. Don't get too attatched though, guys with steady incomes have never been your type and won't be after the lockdown either. Your number this month is 5, or exactly how many bills that will go unpaid until July.