Your February horoscopes are here and damn Aquarius, WTF
CAPRICORN (DEC 22-JAN 19):
You’re in a really great position to broaden your horizons this month. Splurge on something new. Whatever it is you decide, you’re off to an awesome start. You might even get the feels, something you’re not used to. Your desires are easier to achieve now, and that makes you sweat in anticipation like a whore on nickel night. You’ve worked hard for it, so enjoy!
AQUARIUS (JAN 20-FEB 18):
You have two choices facing you as this month begins: connect or withdraw. You’ll be tempted to withdraw as you sometimes struggle in uncertain situations. Okay, who are we kidding? You SUCK at uncertain situations. But you’re better off connecting as those you’ll meet may provide you with opportunities you’ve never dreamed of. What could possibly go wrong?
PISCES (FEB 19-MAR 19):
Partnerships are a struggle for you at best, and this month’s no different. Remember the saying, hard times build character? That’s bullshit. You’re better off avoiding any collaboration or potential partnerships now. The good news is: someone already close to you brings intense insights for you to ponder, and focusing on their information will serve you well. That’s if you can put the liquor bottle down long enough.
ARIES (MAR 20-APR 18):
If you can step away from the “me me me” mentality, you’ll find you can gather quite the momentum in meeting your lofty goals. By mid-month, you’re really rolling, so generate as much good ju-ju as you can. By the last week of February, you’re done. You might feel like crawling into a cave and hiding, but life beckons. If you can stay tough through this unfavorable time, you’ll come out smelling like a rose!
TAURUS (APR 19-MAY 20):
As the month begins, you’re going to feel like you’ve just disembarked from the train to the middle of nowhere. And now you’re stuck. Instead of being bored or whiny, just be glad you’re in a calm place right now while the rest of the world goes to hell in a handbasket. You despise chaos, so find a green meadow to roll around in and count your blessings. This peaceful feeling might not last as long as you’d like it to, so take advantage of it while you can.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUN 20):
Still flying high from the recent holidays, you’re looking good and thinking clearly. Your flirt game is ridiculous! Good thing you’re outstanding at two-timing others, because you’re getting dates left and right, and sometimes up and down. Don’t let it all go to that pretty little head of yours. Your true colors are about to come blasting through…and it’s the color and consistency of pure, unadulterated horseshit. Time to rethink your strategy if you can get your head out of the clouds long enough.
CANCER (JUN 21-JUL 22):
Your emotions may cause some dire upheavals this month, Crabby McCrabbypants. The more emotional, the more difficult for you to make sound decisions. Sorry to tell you that this is exactly how your month is going to kick off. Take it easy and allow those emotional reactions to pass. Keep breathing. Sooner rather than later you’ll find your internal compass. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling lost in your emotional ocean.
LEO (JUL 23-AUG 22):
You’re in the mood for love, and not just with your own reflection in the mirror this time! Don’t worry if things don’t go exactly as you’d like either emotionally or financially this month. No need to spend lots on a date, as you’re built for cuddling at home watching a movie. You might even initiate a cuddle-puddle! By month’s end, your intuition is up and running full speed, and that’s awesome. Just don’t start feeling entitled, as that will be your downfall. Take things in stride and go slow, the true winning strategy.
VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP 22):
You’ve been on a spender-bender lately, and it’s time to tuck those still-smoking credit cards away in a hard to reach place now that your budget is in ruins. It’s just money, though, right? Now what are you going to do with all that new stuff? Re-gifting? Donate it? Keep the clothes, at least, for someone at work thinks you’re really cute, and you want to dress to impress. Give relationships serious consideration. It might be the perfect time.
LIBRA (SEP 23-OCT 22):
You’re in like Flynn this month! The cosmos indicates that you’re due for a raise and your boss has had an eye on you, impressed with your amazing performance. Be sure to keep an open mind for all this awesomeness. You deserve it. When you learn to accept the good with the bad and still keep an optimistic outlook, you’ll know you’ve really grown in all the right ways. A certain relationship might come under scrutiny now, and you need to think really hard on what to do.
SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 21):
Your dreams could hold clues as to which step you should take next in life, so don’t dismiss them outright. Your intuition is working overtime and woe be unto you if you ignore it. Listen very closely to what it’s telling you. Don’t force it and don’t rush it. However, when making big decisions, consult with a trusted confidant. You can’t go wrong, but it helps to have someone to bounce things off of. You’re used to doing everything yourself, but it will work against you this time.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22-DEC 21):
You’re definitely not bored this month. Spend as much time as possible with family and friends, and your heart will be full, your life meaningful. A few surprising metaphors will make themselves known (a door opening suddenly? A breeze blowing clear the sky?) Make note of them, as you’ll want to carry this feeling with you as long as possible. By month’s end, you’ll want to take step back and analyze it all. Perhaps a mental health day is in your future.