Your January horoscopes are here and don't say we didn't warn you
CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 19)
Ugh, you’re FAR too hungover to get out of bed today. That’s your motto: work hard, play hard. This New Year, you’ve outdone yourself. Good thing you stocked up on sensible cures, because you’ve got work to do! This is the year when your attention to detail and tenacity really pays off. But it won’t happen if you’re slacking off, which you tend to do when you’re feeling sorry for yourself. Don’t go all verklempt now.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
Time to take stock of your life, Water Bearer. Resolutions are pointless if you don’t know the state of your own world. You’ll never reach those goals if you’re not paying attention to the details. Start a fitness routine to cancel out those yummy cupcakes you’re so fond of. You’ll be more inspired as the month goes on and are prepared to produce some amazing results! Don’t let your eccentricities steer you wrong.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
Here fishy, fishy! Who’s been taking care of you? No one, and that’s why this is the year when you’ll start getting yourself back on track. You must nurture your soul to stay healthy. Forgive your mistakes and move on. When you feel like you have a handle on life, you’ll make much better choices for yourself. There might be a shark in your pool. Let it know you will bite back.
ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
You are ready to kick this year’s ass! You might have even skipped the party and went to bed early in preparation. That’s just who you are. You like to feel as if you’ve gotten a head start on the entire world, and now it pays off in spades. Woe be to those who happen into your way, because you’ll run them down like a common jaywalker. Jean Claude Van Damme has nothing on you.
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
Time to lay aside those judgmental ways for the year to come. This is the year for compromise, and you’ll be front and center to lead the way. Your earthy grace will serve you well, and you’ll attract more attention, some of them potential suitors. It’s your chance to show your generosity and kindness to those who just don’t get it. Just remember: might doesn’t always make right. Learn to play nice with others.
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUN 20)
This very well may be your year! You’ll find that confidante you’ve been wishing for, and that’s not all. You’ll be flying high, but you might want to consider keeping at least one foot on the ground. Tricky business issues come with the territory, and you’ll need all the intellect, charm, and persuasiveness you can get. Oh, you’ll succeed, but you’re going to have to work for it. You can’t simply charm your way out of this.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JUL 22)
You know those jackasses who keep picking on you because you have no sense of humor? Guess what? They’re going to get their comeuppance this month, and you’ll be the one giving it to them. While you’re terminally serious about things, you do indeed know how to have a good laugh, even if it is at yourself. Lighten up! You’ll attract some not-so-secret admirers and that’s what it’s all about anyway.
LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)
Your New Year starts in the most awesome way! You’re in shape, your brain spews out idea after idea, and the people who admire you are cheering you on. However, it’s not party all the time, no matter what Eddie Murphy says. While you want to be generous and act like you have the Midas Touch, you’re going to have to reign that in and exercise a sense of humility for a while. It’ll be worth it.
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEP 22)
Good intentions are not always the best plan. It might be that you completely overcommitted yourself and you have no idea how you’re going to be in five places at the same time. You’ll have plenty of energy, but not enough “you” to go around. Cancel what you know are the biggest time wasters, and focus on the important things. Saying yes to everything doesn’t make you popular. It just makes you exhausted.
LIBRA (SEP 23 – OCT 22)
Spend time with your friends and family now. You need to rebalance your energy and stop flying off in every direction. If you don’t slow down, your health will force you to, and that’s not what anyone wants. Over-indulging sucks the spirit out of you. There’s a lot of emotional energy circling you now. Don’t let negative people drag you down to their level. Stand strong and dismiss their attempts to sabotage your efforts.
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
The New Year is here, and it finds you still wearing a lampshade and singing karaoke at the top of your off-key voice. Surely the neighbors don’t enjoy ABBA’s Greatest Hits as much as you think they do. Once you’ve calmed your tits, it’s time to hunker down with a few close friends to plan out your annual strategy. It’s no time for hissy fits. Think radically and your month will go exactly the way you want it to.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 21)
You are the absent-minded professor this month. Do your best to stay focused or hire an assistant to help keep track of things, like your keys, the television remote, and your other sock. Keep a sense of humor about your human failings, it’s what endears you to those who matter. Things will turn in your favor soon, but you’re going to have to slog through this frustrating time without losing your mind.