Is that your July Hookup Horoscope or are you just happy to see us?

Is that your July Hookup Horoscope or are you just happy to see us?

SexJuly 03, 2017

Capricorn

One thing you might want to consider as July heats up is that your sun is conjunct Cancer. This makes you about three trillion times moodier and more emotionally expressive than usual, something that’s actually more attractive to people who’ve historically found your stoic demeanor to be cold and inaccessible. Lesson? The more fluid you let leak out of your eyes this month, the more fluid will leak out of your … somewhere else.

Aquarius

Are you sitting kind of funny right now, Aquarius? Is it because your ass is a little sore? We hope so, because the stars have given you a celestial interest in masochism this month. You’re tantalized by the thin line between pain and pleasure, and, being the intellectual you are, you just can’t get your mind off how good it feels to be able to experience such arousal without stereotypical penetrative sex. An experienced partner will send you over the edge.

Pisces

July represents a huge breakthrough for you sexually, you slippery little fish-thing. Prior to now, you’ve been a little timid and wet-blanket-y when it came to expressing your desires and libido, but one happy and successful experience will give you the motivation and inspiration you need to come into the sexually actualized human you’re meant to be. You’re bursting with confidence,  and people are finally seeing you in that light. They also saw your nudes on Snapchat. Thanks for that.

Aries

Your young and innocent personality will be tested this month when your partner reveals they want to try something way out of your league. Never fear though — the planets are poised to equip you with all the understanding and thirst for education you need to, for lack of a better term, “git ‘er done.” Next thing you know, you’ll be dutifully suspending your partner from the rafters in a warehouse wearing a Nixon mask. In the meantime, deeply ponder the success of Larry the Cable Guy.

Taurus

Alright, we’re just gonna say it. You probably shouldn’t have made a move on your friend. You were drunk, and it was innocent, but … everything’s awkward now. It’s okay to feel that way, but know that the stars are reaching out a celestial bandaid by heightening your ability to compromise, communicate and understand others (thanks, Moon). You should be able to patch things up with them and keep the friendship intact. If not, just move to Alaska or die!

Gemini

Because the giant, muscular shadow of Leo is reigning over your seventh house this month, you will be much more interested than usual in putting on a show for your partner. Maybe a little lap dance. Maybe a video of you masturbating. Maybe you tie them up and let them watch you get yourself off. Whatever it is, you’re the spectacle. Just remember that every hero has a sidekick … and that sidekick needs their ropes untied so they can pee.

Cancer

Although the stars enjoy a good intangible myth, they do not believe in the concept of the “soulmate.” However, you do, which is why this month’s run-in with a seemingly perfect partner can be so disappointing for you. You’re stuck between fantasy and reality, with you believing true love has struck while the stars roll their eyes and say “He’s just got a really good dick, girl, calm down.” Ground yourself and look inside to see if this person really is perfect, or if it’s actually just all the bronzer.

Leo

Usually, you prefer having sex with strangers because your showy personality allows you to wow them before they have a chance to see your bullshit. Well, this month, you really won the lottery with that because the stars have arranged a little chance encounter with not one, but many strangers, all at the same time. Your social horizons are being expanded under this influence and you’re being led into situations where you’re someone’s mysterious, one-night lay. Embrace it or whatever.

Virgo

There’s something very animalistic bubbling up inside you this month, Virgo. You sense a deep connection to your more mammalian roots, and you’re in the mood for sex that feels primal, passionate, and raw. Try experimenting with some consensual non-consent this month; meaning negotiated, agreed upon and enthusiastic roleplay involving one of you being “taken.” Read up on how to do this correctly, consensually and respectfully — it’s not for the faint of heart. That, or we guess missionary is fine.

Libra

You’re neck-deep in relationship land this month again. The way you and your partner interact as a unit and how you communicate will be called into question, leaving little time for fanciful, frivolous sex. Things have a dire, more serious note, but … not all is lost. Try taking your frustrations about your relationship remodeling phase out in the bedroom with some angry, “pound my need for more romance in spite of your job stress into you” sex. It’ll help, probably, maybe!

Scorpio

You really have no time for love and sex right now. You’re too busy running around, traveling, learning, creating, pooping and sleeping to even think about adding someone else into that margarita mix. You’re so far gone with life stresses and quests that you’re not even masturbating right now, which is really uncharacteristic for you. Remember to make some time for pleasure — otherwise you’re just an iCalendar app with legs, which is really fucking creepy. Have an orgasm!

Sagittarius

You know that talk you’ve been dying to have with your partner about opening your relationship so you can blossom into the evolved superslut you were always destined to become? Now is a great time to do that. The way you communicate will be perceived as kind and non-threatening, and your articulation ensures your partner will understand exactly what you mean when you say “I want to take you to dinner tomorrow and fuck your dad.” Better now than next month, trust us.