Zen of the pick-up: how one man became the guy every girl wants

Zen of the pick-up: how one man became the guy every girl wants

SexAugust 17, 2015 By Alex MacFarlane

Right now, you have the ability to go home with a different girl every night, but you just don’t know it yet. Getting laid consistently isn’t about looks. It isn’t about being smooth. It’s an understanding of something deeper. Something that took me years to recognize.

There was a time in my life where I was afraid of talking to others. I worried about their reactions to what I would say, I worried about the way my mouth moved when I talked, and I always worried about saying the wrong thing. I thought about my social awkwardness a lot. Coming from a private middle school and entering a public high school definitely limited my growth inside social scenes, so I was forced to learn how to speak to others through many stretches of humiliation and discomfort. I eventually got past this though, and when I did, I started to get really good at being around others. So good, in fact, that friends considered me to have a silver tongue, being able to influence others with ease and confidence. This was all great for me, but what I had in the knowledge of making friends and influencing and persuading others, I lacked in one of the most important social factions: being able to smoothly talk to women. It took time for me to get good at this, but once I found out how to be good at it, things changed. And they changed fast.

It was after a break up a couple of years ago that pushed me into wanting to get really good at talking to women. I had always been decent at it, and never really
had too much trouble getting laid, but in reality, I wasn’t that good.

I wanted to get to the highest levels of pick up.

I had dated this girl for three and a half years and I hadn’t been single for a while, and truthfully, what really set me on the path of focusing on my game with woman was to get over my ex and fuck a lot of girls to get her out of my head and my confidence back. I wanted to be the guy that you see out at the bars, the one who makes out with a different girl every night, the one who has so many girls phone numbers in his phone that he has to type next to their name where he met them and what they looked like to remember all of them. However shallow it may be, I was determined to get laid. And I wanted to get laid a lot. This is how I did it.

It first started at Trader Joe’s. (Which, by the way, as many of you have probably realized, is a gold mine for finding hot girls anywhere. That and Whole Foods.) I had prepped myself before entering the store on what to say, and while I was browsing the aisles looking for someone attractive to talk to, I found a match. I was nervous as hell, but ready to fail.

The girl I approached was a sexy, slender, black-haired junior named Alexa, and I asked her one question to break the ice while we were both looking at organic apple juice: “Would you ever date a guy named Herman?” Yeah, I know. Really stupid. But after she gave me her answer, I followed up with a quick story about how I had a friend named Herman who couldn’t get with girls because his name was Herman, which was complete bullshit. But I didn’t care what I was saying, what I was really caring about was just trying to get past my approach anxiety, and to be on my toes in conversation, which for 90% of us guys and girls is the hardest part of the getting laid process. From that day at Trader Joe’s and on, I figured out that failing is never really failing, it’s just learning. I pushed that thought so hard into my head that the word failure became the word learn.

The slender, sexy girl and I talked for maybe a minute before she looked at me funny and walked away, but in that awkward minute I found a feeling that kept me going. I felt proud. I was proud to fuck up, not get her number or any real info about her and not care. It felt good to know that it didn’t matter what she thought of me. What mattered was the end goal of becoming greater at seduction. Eventually this feeling of being proud brought me to other places in town, and I began saying the stupidest lines to girls, getting looks thrown at me like I was mentally retarded. After a week or so of going out in the daytime, mostly getting friendly handshakes and funny looks, I got past most of my approach anxiety and started understanding things in a new way, embodying the belief that before the brilliant person does something great, they first must look foolish to the crowd.

The first step at getting better with girls is, without a doubt, the most important: Get past the idea that you need to be spitting gold out of your mouth to get girls. You don’t. A lot of the time all you need is the balls to go up to her and start a conversation. If the conversation turns sour, who cares? There are hundreds of other girls to hit on. Keep going, learn from your mistakes, analyze them, and then most importantly, keep going. Once you start this process and stop caring about rejection from people (that you’ll most likely never see again in your life), you’ll never be the same. Some words of wisdom I’ll never forget: in order to get the girl you want, you have to risk losing her.

There’s an amazing saying from Tranxu, a great Chinese sage: “When the archer shoots for no particular prize, he has all his skills; when he shoots to win a brass buckle, he is already nervous; when he shoots for a gold prize, he goes blind, sees two targets, and is out of his mind. His skill has not changed, but the prize divides him. He cares! He thinks more of winning than of shooting, and the need to win drains him of power.” Think about this ... When you don’t care about winning or losing, you’re free to experience your full potential. You won’t drive with the brakes on. You won’t worry about snarky comments from girls because it won’t matter if you win her over or not. You’ll move through crowds and conversations with ease. There’s a reason why that friend of yours who seems to not give a shit is amazing at picking up members of the opposite sex. It’s because they’re free. They’re themselves. They’re not worried about winning or losing; they’re only focused on being — on shooting. This is also the reason why some of you have experienced the paradox of being in a relationship and having loads of attention from the opposite sex that was never there before you were dating someone. The reason? It’s because you’re not worried about winning someone over when you’re in a relationship. You’re focused on just being yourself. And that changes everything.

Guys, nearly all of us already have what we need to be successful with women. Unfortunately, our socialization has screwed our heads up so much that we think we need to have something other than what we already have to get girls, or whatever else we want for that matter. You don’t need a good job, power, money, or a beard or anything other than yourself to get what you want. What you really need to do is drop the idea of rejection. Get rid of it. If you cling to the idea that other’s ideas and thoughts of you are important, you’ll never be happy and you won’t be free. You know why? Because there is always going to be someone who has a negative opinion of you. Always. So stop caring about other’s opinions and focus on being you. Now I’m not saying to go out with an arrogant smirk and say, “Hey man, suck my dick!” to everyone because you don’t care about their opinion, what I’m saying is don’t be afraid to look like an idiot in front of others. Be bold.

After being single for a month or so I got in the groove of things again. I started not caring even more, and then it took another month or two for me to really get past the idea that after talking to girls I had to get a number or had hook up with them. I began to be patient, which completely transformed my game. Why try and hook up with them the first time or two you meet them? Why not actually try to get to know them on some level first? It seems obvious, but for a lot of us it’s not.

Women have a social radar that can pick up the smallest of tells. Nine times out of ten, I’d say the average girl is more intuitive than the average guy in social situations. Most girls can tell if a guy is hitting on them from the moment the first  words come out of his mouth. Sometimes girls want to be hit on, but most of the time they want someone to come in under the radar that can give them something intriguing to talk about that challenges them and makes them think about themselves. If you’re mind isn’t focused on wanting to sleep with them (which can be hard for some), but instead focused on engaging in a thought-provoking conversation, then you’re probably going to end up sleeping with them, or at least you’ll be getting one step closer.

Something that will help with conversation: check out “kokology” online and memorize some games like The Cube. It’s a great way to challenge girls and make them think about themselves. It’ll lead to some great conversations, and a lot of times, phone numbers.


It took about four months after my breakup for me to get to a level of game that I had never reached before, or even understand that I could reach. I had become the guy that would have a group of girls around me most of the time, hooking up with a variety of types. After getting to a point where I didn’t care about rejection, I became untouchable, and everyone could see it and sense it. It’s like you have an aura around you that people can feel; an energy that’s captivating, and girls can feel it; there’s a difference that’s there. Pay attention when you’re out next and you might notice it with someone. It’s uncommon, but there’s usually one or two guys or girls out in a night that have it. It’s an energy that they have, a way of confident being that’s so in the moment. They’re not focused on one minute from now, or one minute ago, because it doesn’t matter. They’re living purely in the present, focused on being, free of everything but the moment at hand.


After breaking up with my ex, I started to understand myself in a deeper way. Being single made me grow tremendously. This understanding of myself is what brought me (and continues to bring me) a lot of attention from women. I realize that women and my external environments are not my happiness, and that nothing has the power outside of myself to make me tranquil or angry or elated or depressed. It all comes from within me. We all have the power to choose how to feel. It’s not your external environments or other people that make you feel something. It’s not someone rejecting you that makes you sad. You are making yourself feel sad. And, it’s not someone accepting you that makes you feel good. You are making yourself feel good. You’re providing the reaction. The outside world is providing the stimulus, you’re providing the reaction. If you can start thinking this way, you’ll change forever. It’s you that makes you feel emotions, not anyone else, so stop blaming others. Take responsibility for yourself when you don’t get a number or hook up with a girl. Rather than think of an excuse like she was stuck up, think What could I have done differently? and learn from it. Taking responsibility is a huge turn on for girls, and more importantly, if you do this, you’ll be able to grow a lot. If you follow my advice you probably won’t even have an urge to go out and find a girl to sleep with because you’ll already have two waiting for you in your bed. So here it is: Fail miserably a lot and embody that it really doesn’t matter at all. What matters is having the balls to try.