Welcome to the world of Malt Beverages

Welcome to the world of Malt Beverages

VicesNovember 29, 2012

DAILY’S READY TO DRINK FROZEN COCKTAILS
(“Enjoy at home or on the go.”)
A.B.V./Serving size: 5%/10 oz.
Flavors tested: Margarita and Pina Colada
Misc.: Technically a “flavored wine product;” the pina colada flavor contains 0% fruit juice, while the Margarita flavor contains 1% fruit juice, while none of the other products we tested bothered to mention anything about juice. Don’t let it melt—it turns weird.
Tasting notes: “A really dry frozen;” “doesn’t taste like shitty booze;” “stays mysteriously cold.”
Rating: 8.1

SHARK ATTACK FROZEN MARGARITAS
A.B.V./Serving size: 6.7%/3.4 oz.
Flavors tested: Original Lime Margarita
Misc.: Authentic consistency, easy to consume; we’re not sure why it’s called “Shark Attack;” at less than $2 a pop we’d buy these again. 
Tasting notes: “Like an Otter Pop for adults;” “delicious;” “tastes like a pine tree.”
Rating: 7.3

DICE
A.B.V./Serving size: 10%/3.4 oz.
Flavors tested: Peach Plum, Watermelon Lime, Kiwi Mango, Strawberry Lemon
Misc.: Its graffiti-like logo earns it some street cred, but its flavor combo choices seem odd, like they optioned the rights to failed flavors from yesteryear; this is technically not a malt beverage but rather a flavored grain spirit, which is basically Everclear; catchy “freeze. squeeze. slurp” slogan reinforces catchy urban appeal.
Tasting notes: “cotton candy;” “that’s Yellow #5;” “swallow it right away;” “it tastes like some kind of chemical”
Rating: 4.7

COLT 45 BLAST
A.B.V./Serving size: 12%/23.5 oz.
Flavors tested: Grape, Blueberry Pomegranate, Raspberry Watermelon, Strawberry Lemonade 
Misc.: With its introduction of the Blast line of products, Colt 45 seems to be targeting the 14-year-old demographic; can lists “natural fruit flavors and FD&C” components on its front label
Tasting notes: “like a bitter Jolly Rancher;” “bad;” “that’s delicious;” “kind of like Sweet Tarts;” “oily;” “I think I burnt my tongue;” Blueberry/Pomegranate: “chemical nasty;” like a “deeper hue of barbershop antiseptic—or toilet bowl cleaner;” “it’s Smurf hooch”  
Rating: 4.6

SMIRNOFF ICE BLACK
A.B.V./Serving size:
12%/23.5 oz.
Flavors tested: Watermelon, Lemon Lime, Fruit Punch
Misc.: Smirnoff’s Black product line comes with
Tasting notes: “It’s glowing;” “like vodka Mountain Dew;” actually “pretty subtle flavors,” not overly syrupy; “I don’t feel like I’m rotting my gut”
Rating: 6.9


JOOSE
A.B.V./Serving size: 12%/23.5 oz.
Flavors tested: Cherry Lime, Green Apple, Kiwi Strawberry
Misc.: Trying too hard to stake out its urban-ness;
Tasting notes: Kiwi Strawberry: “tastes like rotten cantaloupe”
Rating: 4.6

MALIBU COCKTAILS
A.B.V./Serving size: 15%/1.75 litres
Flavors tested: Rum Punch, Melon Margarita
Misc.: “A taste of paradise you can enjoy anywhere anytime.”
Tasting notes: “banana peachy;” “coconut;” “tastes high octane;” “much better on ice;” “very Malibu”
Rating: 4.5