A long time ago, when men were men and women were women, dating was done with decorum. Chivalry was the name of the game, and valiance was the ticket to a coveted night of necking in the movie theater balcony. But today, the moves that ladies and gents pulled off just a few years ago to win their lover's hearts, are the same moves that would land them in federal prison.

A long time ago, when men were men and women were women, dating was done with decorum. Chivalry was the name of the game, and valiance was the ticket to a coveted night of necking in the movie theater balcony. But today, the moves that ladies and gents pulled off just a few years ago to win their lover's hearts, are the same moves that would land them in federal prison.

So, because we're intimately invested in your love life, here are 11 romantic gestures of yore that are grounds for a restraining order today.

1. Romance in the rain

Then: Like gasoline on a slow burn, rain just added to the heat of the moment. Any kiss, proposal, or tender moment was enhanced by a mutual drenching.

Now: What, are they trying to water board you or something? You better get inside fast before you catch methicillin-resistant pneumonia or your permanently ruin your Peruvian goat-suede jacket.

2. Showing up to their house, unannounced

Then: In the barbaric world of pre-cell phone communication, showing up at someone's house was the only way you could run into them. You'd conveniently look up their address in one of the many phone booths lining the streets, and mosey on over to surprise your lover whether they were done burying the body – we mean curling their hair or not.

Now: …How do they know where you live? Have they been watching you? Are they watching you right now? A chill runs down your spine as your vision starts to white out as you grasp your mace and back slowly into your house, you mind brimming with escape routes. Also, you haven't even shaved your balls yet, so you're really not prepared to see them right now …

3. Holding the door open

Then: A chivalrous gesture meant to convey respect for whoever was walking through.

Now: What, do they think you can't open a door by yourself or something? Like your feminine little arms are too weak to keep the door from fatally crushing you? You know they're just doing it to check out your ass as you walk through … so you awkward-sideways-shuffle through then sprint away diagonally so they can't stare into your butt. Phew!

4. Overdressing

Then: Dressing up was standard. It conveyed that the date meant something to you, and that you cared about impressing the other person.

Now: That presumptuous little bastard thinks he's getting laid because he's wearing a tuxedo to P.F. Changs? Fuck that; you're wearing a Snuggie.

5. Writing poems

Then: The only way to express how you felt.

Now: Their prescription ran out, and you're going to need to sleep at your parent's tonight …

6. Waiting to have sex

Then: A sweet way to preserve each other's innocence and make sure that it "felt right."

Now: Just proves they're a virgin and are going to suck at sex, or they don't know how to tell you they have a five-year old or herpes.

7. Showing up at the airport to stop someone from leaving

Then: The ultimate movie-cliche way to tell someone you care about them, and that you're willing to brave airport security to see them again.

Now: We don't think that the TSA is going to like your little "love terror plot" as much you do … say hello to life in Guantanamo, bitch.

8. Not taking no for an answer

Then: They weren't into you? No problem. With a little perseverance and daily berating, you'd win their heart over a period of four to six years.

Now: They either have short-term memory loss from a childhood scooter accident, or you're in federal prison.

9. Sneaking to each other's windows

Then: A cute way to hang out without your parents knowing.

Now: If they've made it to your window, they must have done something to your guard dog, and now would be a good time to hide your kids, hide your wives.

10. Personals ads and missed connections

Then: Your only hope of contacting that beautiful woman you saw on the subway, and a way for fate to intervene and bring you two together.

Now: See above picture.

11. Walking someone home

Then: A sweet way to see that the person you fancied got home safe.

Now: How people find out where you live so they can scope your property for pawn-able items. You know what? You're better off just banging them in a public, well-lit area then never talking to them today. That's true romance.