Why go to that awful Halloween party, when being a snack-gobbling wino recluse is this easy?

Halloween was awesome for about the first 20 years of life. But as you get older and your costumes get sluttier, it’s become apparent that adult Halloween is nothing more than an excuse to eat small Almond Joys and get drunk. And the only thing that medicating you through this depressing realization is wine. Fuck-tons of it.

Thank goddess the wine app Vivino has released this essential Halloween candy and wine pairing guide to help us figure out which of Vendage’s finest best complements that discount bulk bag of fun-sized Twix bars.

So, while everyone else is out dressing up like a sexy pinecone or cross-dressing Thor, you can just turn out the lights and binge watch the ‘Puppet Master’ franchise while taking in your body weight of Nerds and Arbor Mist. When the trick-or-treaters come a-knockin’, and see your wine-stained lips and hermetic sweat pants, they’ll just assume you’re in costume as Vampire Roseanne. You can give them all the candy that doesn’t pair with your Big House Red.

Here’s the full rundown: