We just wanna eat, drink and be happy — but these 10 types of people ruin it every time.

We love a good Thanksgiving, especially one that's full of a food and booze bounty — so it’s unacceptable when people take the couple of things we want and ruin them with their bullshit. Don’t fret, friends. We’re here to help. We've created a list of people you hate on Thanksgiving and how to get rid of them. It may not be polite or pretty, but these solutions are tested and true. Bookmark this shit if you know what's good for you.

10. The “We” Couple

There are several ways in which to identify a “we” couple, but they will absolutely make it clear within the first 30 seconds of trying to hold a conversation with these needy doucherats. After your first question to the “we” couple, you’ll be launched into a barrage of “we” stories that are nothing less than what nightmares are made of. Every story is about how awesome they are as a couple, how “they” do everything together, and isn’t it so funny how “they” finish each other’s thoughts and sentences. No, monkeys. It’s not adorable. Your “we-ness” only indicates that you can’t handle intellectually stimulating people, so you’ve chosen to validate each other. Your couplehood only indicates that just below your collectively sappy skins you two are sexless, miserable douchebags.

Solution: Make out with one of the “we’s” while the other one is in the bathroom. Trust us, it’s easy. Then there will be one damn thing they didn’t do together.

9. The Vegan/Gluten-Free/Hates All Food Person

We get it. You have fucking allergies. Or you’re on a diet. Or you love pandas. We don’t care. You’re screwing up our festival of meats. The clear identifier of this anti-meal intruder is always the call or email days before Thanksgiving. They’ll start out polite and then go directly into their dietary needs. And if you don’t comply to create some feast of gluten-free vegan tofurkey they guilt the shit out of you until you in some way feel responsible for their inadequacies. They will ruin your dinner and your happiness. Guaranteed. Eat some non-organic, dirty celery and sit down, jerks.

Solution: When your vegan/gluten-free/anti-food “friend” asks what they can bring (even though they weren’t invited), let them know that this party is for meat lovers and people who are down to party. Be frank and let them know that they are. Not. Invited. It’s easier to hang up on people who are crying, so you’re golden. P.S. They cry because they’re hungry. So hungry.

8. The Self-Righteous Recovering Addict

Before you get pissed, recovering addicts, let us remind you that we’ve all heard your stories about addiction. We’ve sat through countless hours of apologies and tears in order to support you. But Thanksgiving is our time. It’s our time to get shit-faced on whatever we choose. It’s our time to get drunk and make-out with "we" strangers. It’s our time to get high, lay on a dirty rug while eating a drumstick and quote Family Circus. Don’t ruin our time by making us feel guilty for your inability to control yourself.

Solution: Before Thanksgiving, get high and drunk, take pictures, post pictures to social media and tag the recovering addict so they know what kind of a party this is. Job. Done.

7. Children

Children smell, are loud, need attention, break things, and aren’t down to party. Really. Party. Their “follow the child” parents won’t stop them either, so don’t rely on them to help you out here. The monsters will inevitably ruin the dinner by making noise or worse trying to participate in adult conversations by interjecting things they learned from Caillou. We hate your children, but it doesn’t mean we hate you. Just keep them away from our damn dinner parties.

Solution: Don’t invite parents, or if you do? Make sure they hate their children as much as everyone else does. Those parents exist, and they’re rad.

6. The Martha Stewart Wannabe

This bitch. You can identify this horror before you even enter her house. She has a DIY wreath and some kind of seasonal fruit piled up in baskets next to her homemade, wooden, welcome sign. Upon entering her house for a fun-filled relaxing day, you’re greeted with a too-white smile and an apron covered in giggling turkeys. Giggling. Turkeys. The psychopath is clearly stressed, and as soon as you take a glance at the overly decorated Thanksgiving table, you know you’re in for a wine-filled night of feeling like you are truly less than. Why don’t you know how to make turkeys out of napkins?!? Why can’t you create the perfect fucking mini-pie?!? Why doesn’t anybody love you?!?! Wait … this is the slow, dark descent that happens after five bottles of expensive wine and too many pumpkin scented candles …

Solution: Bring boxed wine. And stain everything.

5. People That Bring Their Own To-Go Containers

Guests understand that there will more than likely be hundreds of pounds of leftovers. And we understand that with those leftovers you could save thousands on groceries, but it’s so not okay to line your purse with Saran Wrap and steal the extra potatoes. Those are ours, bitch. Hands off. It’s also not okay to bring your nana’s Tupperware and start scooping yams into it while we’re “secretly” doing shots of whiskey in the bathroom. People worked hard on this semi-edible meal. It’s rude to steal while people are clearly avoiding family by getting sloshed. Have some damn respect.

Solution: Check bags at the front door. And if someone insists on bringing a kid, put them in charge of watching the food. Give them some candy and threaten them if they touch the food. “I’ll kill mommy” usually works.

4. Exes

We invite them. We think we’re so 2015, but we aren’t. Exes try way too hard to let you know that they’re absolutely over you. The holidays can be a particularly lonely time, but don’t fall into the “my ex is TOTALLY just a really good friend” trap. You’ve seen them naked and they, at some point, probably made you orgasm. It’s gonna get weird. Really, really fast. And let’s be honest, it’s their fault. They should’ve known that your invite was just to be polite. So seeing them at the holidays is not only going to be painful, but there’s a high percentage that after that fifth double vodka soda you’ll either make a sloppy pass at them or worse, you’ll try to fight their date.

Solution: This one is day before Thanksgiving work, kids. Tell them you got wasted when you sent out the invite and then make a joke about how weird that would’ve been! Then have sex with them. That’ll cure any hurt feelings.

3. Aspiring Musicians

These asshats. There’s nothing worse than opening the door to greet your talented, cool musician friend, only to find them on your steps with a box of homemade CDs and a damn guitar. We have nothing against you wanting to work on your music, but please don’t break into song at our Thanksgiving fiesta. We have a record player for a reason, Bob NotDylan. We’re going to rock out to some sweet, sweet jams by real musicians and although we appreciate you trying to live your dream, we don’t want your dream sullying our living room floor.

Solution: Grab the guitar and lock it in a closet. Also, if the musician breaks into song? Start singing Adele’s “Hello” as loud as you can. Twice should do it.

2. Alcoholics

We’re all trying to celebrate Thanksgiving by getting pretty wasted, but there’s always that one asshole who ruins it all. With their alcoholism. You know who you are. Dirty Uncle Kevin who insists on groping all the ladies and sporting a wicked hard-on all through dinner. It’s not that they get wasted and break your plates while screaming “OPA!!!” And it’s not even that they spend the majority of the evening calling their ex or puking everywhere. It’s that these bastards drink all the damn booze. They come wasted and their tolerance is ridiculously high, so there’s no stopping them from downing three bottles of wine and a 30 pack of beer within the first two hours. They ruin our buzz and that’s why they. Must. Be. Stopped.

Solution: Alchies can be a hoot, so you want them to jazz up the party, but they need their own stash. Stock up on Nattie Light and Popov; place their name on the bottles and strap in for a bumpy ride.

1. People That Have Their Shit Completely Together

We all have friends or family members that truly have their shit together; not in the politician way, but for real. They are doing what they love, they’re having good sex, have enough money, a sweet pad and are genuinely happy. These people make us want to die. “Togethers” don’t make for good party guests because even though they are awesome, smart and funny, they end up making the rest of us “normies” feel like huge piles of crap. And frankly the rest of us end up in some strange counseling session with them asking how they made this almost impossible feat possible. HOW?!?!?!?

Solution: Be. More. Awesome. That’s it. If you’re the asshat who insists on inviting the perfect people to Thanksgiving, you’ve screwed yourself and deserve this pain.