A bride and a caterer face felony charges after they allegedly laced wedding food with marijuana, causing the entire event to prove what we already knew: It’s really hard to be baked when you don’t know you’re going to be baked.
According to an article from Today (that’s the magazine, we didn’t just quote an article that was released today, that would be ridiculous and in journalistic poor fashion) the wedding took place back in February, with a variety of guests calling 911 after an inability to take it easy and handle their shit.
The bride, Danya Svoboda and her caterer, Joycelyn Bryant, were both charged with felony violations of an anti-tampering law and delivery of cannabis as well as a misdemeanor culpable negligence charge, which suddenly makes the pot brownies we handed out in high school sound a lot more serious.
“Seminole County deputies were called to the scene after the reception of about 50 people went off the rails once the food was served,” reads the article. “Investigators said the food, including the lasagna, was tested and found to contain THC, the psychoactive compound in marijuana.”
Surely a dastardly deed, but it begs several questions, namely: Who the hell has lasagna as their main course at a wedding? Who’s getting married, Garfield?
Furthermore, if investigators said that all the food was spiked with cannabis, why did they then feel the need to draw extra attention to the lasagna in their statements?
Lastly, what kind of world are we living in if we’re doomed to wonder if every plate of wedding lasagna will render us catatonic and mopping the stove?
Needless to say, the entirety of the wedding went into a paranoid and delusional fit shortly after the food was served.
One guest claimed to have become “very paranoid” to the point where she “thought her son-in-law had died and her family didn’t tell her,” which is just utterly amazing, because we couldn’t get that high anymore even if we set very direct intentions to do so.
According to the article, another guest called 911 to explain that “I feel like there’s some kind of drugs in me or something, and I don’t know what’s happening.”
Well, the joke is actually on you, anonymous wedding guest, because we here at the Rooster feel like that Every. Single. Day.
Needless to say, this article was a learning experience and we here at Rooster learned our lesson. If we ever have a wedding, we’ll be sure to choose a different strain.