Top this, best that, 5 Stars, 1 Tomato, people, places, things: just about anything you can think of has been ranked somewhere by someone. Who are these people that rank things? These rankers if you will? The answer is, we all are. We humans are overly obsessed with highlighting who and what is the greatest and have no shame whatsoever in pointing out the absolute worst of the worst. On top of being fed predefined rankings, we also construct our own personal rankings to make our daily mundane decisions. One of my personal favorites is which stall in the public bathroom is the cleanest to take a poop. I always go with the one closest to the bathroom entrance. There’s no real science to this personal ranking of mine. I’m just convinced that the stalls only get scarier the deeper you go. My point is whether it’s the least filthy surface to place your bare ass or your top five favorite Alex Jones conspiracy theories, there’s a ranking for everyone. If you don’t want to take your chances going out into the wild to find the safest place to get an IPA on Colfax, the probability is high that there's some dude on the internet that already did it for you. How long have we been ranking? What was the first rank? Did someone rank the healthiest water source that Jesus turned into wine? Who is responsible for ranking the best thing since sliced bread? I bet it was a man. Although, it had to have happened in a kitchen. Even if it was a woman, a man probably still took credit for it anyway. In my opinion, it’s probably big bread that more than likely had something to do with it all. Speaking of opinions, isn’t that all rankings technically are? The opinions of strangers. The spike in demand for outsourcing opinions from strangers in the past decade is staggering. We use the ranking system because the ranking community makes it so damn convenient for us to do so. Remember when Tom from Myspace gave us an opportunity to rank the PEOPLE in our lives? In all seriousness, the Myspace Top 8 may have been one of the most historic ranking systems of all time. In 2003 Tom took it upon himself to hand us the power to unapologetically rank our friends and FAMILY on the interwebs. Middle schoolers and Dane Cook bit on that bait like a guest on Chris Hanson’s how to catch a predator. My life advice to the person reading this is the next time you make a choice based on a ranking system, try some of the folks in the middle or dare I say start from the bottom up. You may surprise yourself and find that you prefer the alternative to popular demand. If you need me you can find me in the first stall in the public bathroom. The golden throne.

Or you can catch me on RoosterTV in our new series Big Brad World, Where I immerse myself in worlds that are outside of my comfort zone. See you out there!

 

Brad Answers Your Questions

I'm trying to go vegetarian, is there a way to make it easier?

Cook all your vegetables in animal fat.

 

I have a higher sex drive than my partner, what can we do to get on the same page?

Stop watching porn or see a therapist.

 

Why does my boyfriend still masturbate in the house when I'm home?

I think you know the answer. If you don't know the answer, ask your closest guy friend. The chances are they know the answer. It's fairly universal. If your closest guy friend doesn't know the answer, ask your Dad.

 

With delivery, pickup, restaurant workers complaining, what is the proper amount to tip these days?

The proper amount to tip is AS MUCH as you can. Show the UTMOST respect to the fine folks that serve you food and beverages. Before you know it, AI Robots will be serving you that bacon double cheese burger you could probably do without and by then your fellow humans will be in complete disbelief that humans ever did this sort of petty robot work.

 

Get to know Brad!

Brad Belanger is a comedian transplant from New York, Founder of Laugh Lines Comedy, & host of Big Brad World on RoosterTV.

Follow @Bigbradworld & @Laughlinescomedyclub on Instagram.