Look, ever since we were a little league disappointment to our father during our touch football days, we’ve never really cared for America’s greatest sport. When we grew up and matured, we revisited the matter, only to be disappointed when we learned the name “football” doesn’t cater to our foot fetish at all. Here’s a few better ways to spend your time this fall instead of watching football.

 

  1. Watch Better Sports

Do us a favor and go to Youtube right now and type in “Knight Fights.” It’s just Russian men in medieval armor beating the everloving shit out of each other. That’s a real man’s sport right there. For the last week, we’ve been annoying our girlfriend watching “Street Beefs”, which pits two common Americans against each other in a white trash-looking chain link octagon. So far our two favorite fighters are Old Man David and Spongebob, and what we’re trying to say is that either of these sports are way more fun to watch than football.

 

  1. Fold Your Clean Laundry That’s Been Sitting in the Basket for Days

If you’re anything like us, you do your laundry, throw the clean clothes into the hamper, and then put that hamper at the foot of your bed, refusing to fold or put away your clothes for several more days. You know, shit like this is the exact reason that America’s GDP hasn’t really improved over the last ten years.

 

  1. Eat Amphetamines and Read Wikipedia Articles

Sure, sports like football and baseball are widely regarded as American pastimes, but allow us to retort: have you ever eaten a fistful of adderall and just gone absolutely apeshit on Wikipedia? It’s the best. Sometimes, after we write our articles and finally do the dishes, we just sit on our computers and hit the “random article” button for hours. You may think it’s boring, but we’d rather read about nuclear fission and the Ottoman empire before we watch some overgrown linebacker with six concussions shoot a three pointer for the game-winning homerun, or however the hell football works.