Ernest Hemingway once said, “There are only three real sports–bullfighting, motor racing and mountaineering; all the rest are merely games.” While we admire the sentiment, Hemingway obviously never got scary levels of stoned smoking a hash joint in his living room before finding the most obscure sports imaginable on the internet. Here’s some excellent YouTube sports you too can check out the next time you’re ripping the gravity bong on your bedroom floor.

❶ Car Jitsu

Car Jitsu is just Jiu Jitsu, except it takes place in a 2005 Toyota Scion. Players start out buckled, and at the sound of the buzzer, race to get their seatbelts off and force their opponent to tap out. We know the main question you’re asking now, which is “What’s to stop Car Jitsu players from choking each other out with their seatbelts?” and the answer is nothing. Seatbelt chokes are totally allowed. They do it all the time and it’s some of the most badass shit we’ve seen since Hemingway said all that stuff about bullfighting and climbing mountains. 

❷ Shopping Cart Racing

We were 17 years old when we saw a Vice documentary that changed our lives forever. It was called “Carts of Darkness,” and it’s about these homeless dudes in Canada who collect recyclables in their grocery carts for cigarette and beer money before bombing said carts down the hills of Vancouver. We showed a friend the other day and they tried to argue that the documentary was just Trailer Park Boys in real life, but we think Carts of Darkness is something greater. We think Carts of Darkness is a manifestation of athleticism and a testament to what the body of a Canadian homeless man is capable of. Go watch these dudes go Mach Jesus in a Safeway shopping cart right now and tell us it doesn’t bring a tear to your eye.

❸ Knight Fights

Dudes in armor beating the shit out of each other like it’s 1199 AD, dude. It makes your uncle’s UFC obsession look like a slap fight at the retirement home. 

❹ Chess Boxing

In Chess Boxing, you play your opponent in chess for three minutes, then you box them for three minutes. Bouts go 11 rounds total, with athletes winning by checkmate or knockout. According to the World Chess Boxing Organization, which we shit you not is a real thing and not something we made up, the 7th Annual World Chess Boxing Championship was held last year in Serbia, because of course it was. If you or a loved one are interested in trying to beat the shit out of nerds, you can learn more at chessboxing.world.