With the increased cost of festivals like Electric Forest and Lost Lands, are there any “get rich quick” schemes I can pull to afford all of them? 

It’s funny you should ask, because I have been contemplating something lately. The other day, I saw a bunch of cops outside my building doing normal cop stuff. Out of nowhere, it starts pouring rain. Immediately, they got in their cars and drove away. I assumed so that they wouldn’t get wet. That’s when it hit me. Have you ever seen cops arresting people in the rain? I never have. Not once have I ever seen a cop’s bodycam footage when it’s raining. Look, I get it. It’s wet, it’s cold, and I don’t want to be out there either. So if you’re asking how to make some fast cash, I think you should rob a bank…in the rain. Just wait for a torrential downpour. I’m convinced you will get away with it. I would try it personally, but this dubstep shit is going way too good right now, so I don’t want to risk it, but I’m assuming if you are writing to me for advice, you probably don’t have a lot going on. So I say, go for it. 

Does Colorado really have the worst drivers in the country?

Yes. It really does. But it’s not for the reasons you might think. Most people think that we have the worst drivers because everyone is high and staring at the mountains. We do have those, but that’s not why. The reason is more economic. Colorado is one of the most expensive places in the country to live and that has consequences. Back in the day, if you had a really unsafe car, the most time you were on the road was a few minutes a day, back and forth to your back-of-house restaurant job. Sure, you were drunk and on drugs, but the time you were on the road was minimal, and hence the number of people you put in danger was also minimal. On top of that, if you were a bad driver you also were only terrorizing the public for a maximum of 30 minutes twice a day while on your way to the hospital you worked at, or childcare, or the construction job you worked at. But now a lot of the entry-level jobs have gone away, and if you have any sort of criminal record you can forget about your sweet job as a sandwich artist at Subway. There is only one type of job that will take literally anyone and that’s driving gig jobs. Uber doesn’t judge you for your driving record or mental health problems; they will put your ass out on the road for 10 hours a day if they can. When your alcoholic nephew used to be safely washing dishes where he belonged, now he only has the option to deliver for Grubhub. Think about it. All of these maniacs we used to keep hidden in out of the way jobs are now on the road ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. This gig economy has created a dystopian highway hellscape for everyone to navigate. Have you ever noticed that the majority of cars on the road in Colorado have visible safety issues? I’m talking bald tires, multiple donuts, no side mirrors and plastic wrap for a windshield. Think of your common meth enthusiast. Now, instead of searching for copper, you are searching for organic fair-trade kefir and then hitting the road in a stolen Altima with a yellow student driver sticker on the bumper.