Last month, a student in Colorado was recently given unlimited bathroom passes after The Satanic Temple assisted in granting her a religious accommodation. Back in our day, using the bathroom at school wasn’t too big of a deal. Whether you had to fight a kid in an older grade, smoke a cigarette, or perform a baby goat sacrifice, our teachers were usually pretty cool about us leaving class to do our business, and, sometimes, they didn’t even care that we never went back to class at all.

Nowadays, the surveillance state has really put a damper on how much mischief or explosive diarrhea one student can have within the confines of our public education centers with the likes of digital bathroom passes. By bringing technology and digitizing the process of going to the bathroom, students everywhere in the state can suffer the humility of being denied bathroom breaks due to prior bathroom trips, right before suffering the consequences of a code brown scenario. But now, shitting your pants in front of a large group of ruthless high schoolers can be a thing of the past, thanks to the Satanic Temple. After one student was denied multiple bathroom passes in the Elizabeth School District, the Satanic Temple helped the student cry foul.  You see, the Temple claimed that the bathroom pass rule violated one of the tenets that Satanists live by, which states “One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.”

If you take the warlock speech out of it, that essentially translates to “actually my religion says that I can poop and pee as many times as I want now and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

The Satanic Temple has a history of assisting children with its Protect Children Project (You know, the TST’s PCP?) where they assist in fighting against restricted bathroom access and corporal punishment. We love a good project for protecting children, and on days like these, it’s nice to see the Satanic Temple picking up slack that our current leadership and government may have lost along the way.

Denver Gym Sued After Gym-Goers Make Too Many Sounds

A powerlifting gym in Denver is in trouble after a lawsuit alleges that the various patrons of the gym lift things too loudly, annoying other people in the buildings with loud grunts and groans. This reminds us of a startup we once envisioned combining exercise inside of a library, but it never took off, as anyone who is capable of lifting some serious iron already knows that books are for pussies.

Residents living inside the Beuavallon allege that patrons of Summit Strong gym are powerlifting too loudly, and we like to imagine they’re yelling things like “Lightweight, baby,” and various Rocky Balboa movie quotes. The lawsuit alleges that the gym disturbs those living on the third floor of the building, which causes us to ask, perhaps, the most important question here of all: Who the fuck opens a powerlifting gym on the second floor of a residential building?

The residents claim that they can’t sleep or enjoy dinner because there’s too much grunting and groaning during the gym’s hours of operation, and while we don’t like to take sides, we’d probably struggle to get stuff done too if our house sounded like there was a gay orgy in the basement during all hours of the day.