Always remember to finish your Rocky Mountain oysters before you snowboard to your dispensary job.
For some reason, years of presumption and mystique have given other Americans this weird, collective unconscious belief about what Coloradans are like. And let's just say the picture that emerges isn't exactly the prettiest. So, since we care about our image more than anything else including breathing and our own family, we're here today to clear up some of these misconceptions our stupid fellow countrymen have about us, if only to finally stop them from asking us whether we "ski or snowboard."
1. We're over here, just shoveling Rocky Mountain oysters into our mouths
Listen, we don't know what kind of mystic frontier lore scraped from the 1800s has informed people's ideas of what we eat here in Colorado, but one thing's for sure: it's not Rocky Mountain oysters.
Rocky Mountain oysters, for those who don't know, are bull testicles.
… The fuck? We've never even seen a Rocky Mountain oyster, let alone eaten one. What restaurants even serve them? We bet if we tried to find them for a nice afternoon snack, we couldn't find a place that serves them. And even if we did, we wouldn't be all "Welp! My drivers license says Colorado on it so better chomp on some cooked bull epididymus!" Just … no.
2. Everyone's life revolves around snow sports
Sure, Colorado is the premiere of premiere places to slide down an icy mountain on a plank, but that doesn't mean everyone's doing it. We, for one, haven't been on a mountain for like seven years, unless you call Space Mountain a mountain.
Before weed was legalized, the presumption people had about us was that we lived in Colorado because we could ski and snowboard. Not because we were born here or got transferred here from work or just really like living in states shaped like perfect squares. The literal first thing that used to come out of people's mouths in conversation would be "So, do you ski or snowboard?" and we'd have to mediate the excruciating disappointment on their faces when we'd answer "Nope!"
Now, it's "WOW! You must smoke so much nug," which brings us to our next misconception …
3. Everyone smokes weed
Weed is legal here, and we're all suuuper happy about that … but not all of us smoke it. Or eat it. Or even think about it. It's just a thing that exists, like any other.
We're real glad for our friends who are still bathing in the post-orgasmic glow of being able to buy recreational pot at a store down the street, and sure, most of use voted to legalize it, but that's about the extent of it for a lot of us.
4. Everyone drives a Subaru
False. It's everyone and their mothers.
5. Everyone is outdoorsy
Most people seem to think that Coloradans kayak to work or spend the weekend biting directly into the live flesh of the trout they've hiked to high elevation to hunt, but it's just not true. We know plenty of people with a vampiric distaste for fresh air and an unwavering disdain for outdoor activities.
Sure, a lot of them are from suburban Denver; places like Castle Rock or Highlands Ranch, but even though we like to pretend those places aren't in Colorado, they are, and there is a large, under-represented population of indoor kids crying out for a voice, probably on Reddit.
Yet, even if a Coloradan likes being outdoors, that doesn't mean they have any idea what to do about it. We know approximately 0.5 people who could start a fire or own a tent.
6. Everyone runs around in ultra-fit packs of obesity-fighting exercise people
Colorado consistently ranks as one of the fittest states with low obesity rates, but honestly, most people are just skinny-fat.
7. It's super expensive
Colorado's housing market is exploding, and rent is increasing at astronomical rates, but people keep forgetting that there are other places to live than Denver and Boulder. Affordable, modest cities and towns like Westminster, Longmont, Colorado Springs and Fort Collins where people don't give up their entire paycheck for rent each month.
Plus, rent's only a part of the story. Gas is still pretty cheap here, food is the same price as anywhere else, sales tax is no higher than other states, doctors visits hover in the mid-range price level, utilities are just utilities and you don't need to spend money on things like buying weed or a gym membership because you can bum the former from anyone and the mountains are a gym. You're set.
8. Everyone dresses like shit
Everyone seems to think that Coloradans are decked out in some active gear that allows them to scale a Flatiron at any given point, and while there are definitely a lot of people who think North Face jackets, khaki cargo shorts and those toe-shoe things count as an outfit, most of us just wear normal clothes. Nothing flashy, nothing special, but also nothing abominable. Just cotton garments that keep you from having to see our beefy curtains.
9. We all know how to drive in the snow because Colorado is a never-ending blizzard-hurricane-volcanic-eruption
You'd think that the multiple feet of snow we get every winter would prime people for skilled snow driving, but nah. People still treat snowstorms like it's the first, unannounced sign of the apocalypse.
10. That we know anything whatsoever about these Colorado conspiracy theories
… There's what inside Mount Blanca?! WHAT IS A MOUNT BLANCA?