Combining drugs and alcohol is never safe … except for when it is. Here are our 10 favorite combinations of substances, both legal and illegal, that are useful in some very specific situations.

Combining drugs and alcohol is never safe … except for when it is. Here are our 10 favorite combinations of substances, both legal and illegal, that are useful in some very specific situations.

And no, you can't have the name of our doctor.

1. When you can't find someone to watch your dog, or child

Doctor's orders: Weed + vodka

Looks like it's just gonna be you and a small mammal that's completely dependent on your for survival tonight! Might as well blaze your own trail with this fun combo that'll make caretaking a ball of hair really, really relaxing.

2. When you're way, way too early for the airport

Doctor’s orders: Bloody Marys + cocaine

When you make the fatal mistake of reading 7 a.m. instead of 7 p.m. on your flight itinerary, you're gonna need something that’ll both take you a long time to drink, and enhance your ability to find entertainment in the airport terminal you’re stuck in. Enter the Bloody Mary, which, since you're getting it at the airport, should be sufficiently poor enough tasting to merit a two-hour drinking session. Follow that up with the cocaine you snuck in through security, then sit back, relax, and relish how quickly time passes when you figure out you can ride the baggage claim like a rodeo star.

3. When you want to avoid furthering the human race

Doctor's orders: Birth control + whiskey

Have you been trying to keep your human baby output at a minimum, but can’t remember to take your birth control pills at the same time every day? Just crush them up in put them in your drink, because we all know you’re drinking at happy hour, Monday through Sunday, at 5 p.m. We see you.

4. When you see your ex out at the bar

Doctor's orders: GHB* + friends with adequate upper body strength to carry you home

It's really, unconscionably awful to roofie someone else. It's really, mercifully practical to roofie yourself when your ex walks in with their new love interest who breeds Bedlington terriers for a living (look it up). All this so when you wake up the next morning and ask your friends "What happened last night?" they can reply that you did not try to TP your ex's house while blasting DMX from your Geo. You win!

*Do not roofie yourself. It's a joke you guys.

5. When you open your fridge, and whoops, all your food's gone

Doctor's orders: Promethazine + shrooms.

Looks like someone forgot to to go grocery shopping for the last six to nine months! Good thing an empty stomach is the perfect time to do shrooms. Just make sure you take some promethazine to soothe your stomach so you don't try to violently upchuck all the food you don't have in your fridge.

6. When you start to notice you have back tits

Doctor’s orders: Tequila + Adderall

Looks like that summer body you've been forgetting to whip into shape has miraculously taken a Pam Anderson-like form. But before you celebrate, ask yourself if the Pam Anderson part is on your front or back side … Shit. That's right, you've got back tits, and it's time to start heaving and hawing in yoga pants. Pour yourself some tequila, which is a natural upper, and pop and Adderall. The booze will make the hours turn into minutes and the Adderall will try, with all its might, to convince you that you like running for 16 miles.

7. When attending a lecture by famed astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson

Doctor’s orders: Weed + a 40 oz. of Olde English

You're not even sure how you got tickets to this, but here you are, listening to infamous star-expert Neil deGrasse Tyson explain black holes to an audience of experts. That's some serious shit. What if we're headed for one right now? How does Neil know all this? Has he been there? To a black hole? Is Neil deGrasse Tyson a space demon? Relax. Have a smoke and a sip, and rather than taking Neil's description of dense, violently unpredictable matter as foreshadowing for the end of the world, just pretend he's talking about butt-holes instead. Instagram the moment once you're properly relaxed so your friends think you're cultured.

8. When you wake up in a pile of sleeping naked bodies at Charlie Sheen's mansion

Doctor's orders: Three ibuprofen + champagne + watermelon juice

"What the fuck happened last night?" you ask yourself as you lift someone's boob off your shin. You've got the hangover of your 20's and you need something that'll jog your memory because you need to know: did you, or did you not have sex with Charlie Sheen? Where is he even? Watermelon juice is nowhere near as acidic as orange juice, so it won't fuck with your stomach which will already be pretty pissed at you for taking three ibuprofen without eating. The ibuprofen will reduce the swelling in your entire body, and take away your headache so you can think clearly about how to get out of there without restarting orgy cascade. Plus, champagne and watermelon juice is delicious, so, you're welcome.

9. When you watch the last episode of your favorite TV show, and now your life doesn't know what to do with itself

Doctor's orders: LSD + your favorite wine

Both Walter White and your weekday plans might be dead, but this isn't a sad occasion, it's a celebration of life! Pour yourself a glass of nice wine, and reflect on the good times you and your TV show had together. Then, when you're done mourning, take a some acid. Think your TV show was interesting? The acid will make it look like a pre-SAT class that's being held inside a V.A. headquarters. Goodbye, Breaking Bad withdrawal.

10. When you don't have any of the above drugs because you're not as young and cool as you used to be and you can't just walk up to the guy with dreadlocks outside the courthouse and ask for molly anymore

Doctor's orders: Pizza + you

Pizza is like a drug, and a hug from God. And it's readily available. And you don't have to know someone named C-Money to get it. So when you run out of booze and drugs, satiate your craving for excitement with a circular disc of cheese and sauce. It's pretty much the same feeling.