We still have, like, a million and a half reasons, but narrow it down because we know you Internet people have short attention spans.
Luckily for some men, they don’t feel shame the way in which they really should. Any other self-aware species can't possibly bear the embarrassment and overall awkwardness of their existence without this gifted trait.
But for the men who do feel shame, these 10 things are certainly the ultimate cause.
1. Spontaneous erections … when you’re not even horny
Boners are the epitome of male awkwardness. They are pretty much as awkward as it gets, most notably when they spring up during inopportune moments (aka at any point other than for the uses of coitus or dick measuring competitions). This gives the wrong impression to the world at large. To whoever lays eyes on your untimely wood, it seems as if the situation you’re in has aroused you past the point of control. Like you’re really DTF at this DUI checkpoint? Sheesh.
Sometimes, when they’re feeling really randy, boners come around to hang when you’re not even horny! What the hell is that? They’re such avid connoisseurs of irony that they’ll pop up in situations that define “un-arousing,” like when your mom says she’s making casserole or you’re explaining to your car insurance agent that the accident was actually your fault.
You see, the penis is stupid. It has to be; it must somehow think it’s going to get laid all the damn time (despite reality), so it can regularly initiate the initial steps necessary for the sex.
So basically, they can strike at any time, and no one is safe … especially the person they’re attached to.
2. The creep stereotype
All men experience instances in their life when they feel guilty for no other reason than their own presence.
For example, when it's late at night and you get on an elevator at the same time as a lone woman, and you just happen to be going to the same floor as her. You almost want to prove to her you actually have legitimate reason to get off there, so she releases the death grip from her rape whistle. So, you word vomit some totally unwarranted non-sequitur like “I live here!” and end up looking like an ass-head.
It's also totally weird talking to kids who aren't yours without a looming paranoia of everyone in the vicinity thinking you're a pedophile. We tried calling a kid “sweetheart” once, and then immediately felt the need to call 911 on ourselves.
Even if you’re a perfectly upright citizen with pure intentions, the recipient of your attention will, at some point, always think you want to fuck them. Even your buddies! Lean a little too close because the floor is uneven or you can’t hear them in a loud bar, ask them to dinner (a guy’s gotta eat) or greet them with a hug instead of a fist-bump, and before you know it, they’re friend zoning you via text. Pshhh. You're out of their league anyway.
Sometimes it feels like there is no place for us in society.
3. The strange fascination with giving and receiving anal sex
The source of the immense awkwardness of this desire is in the fumbling attempt at asking your significant other to be a willing partner, and then trying to justify your proposal when she gets super pissed or completely turned off.
If you’re going to be bold enough to ask this unholy act of your girlfriend, we recommend having a well thought out response. When she comes at you with disgust, maybe try saying something like, “I love every inch of you. I just want to experience it all, and in this case, I’m specifically referring to your butthole”. Or something to that effect.
Let’s take it one step further though; what about when us guys want to have a little somethin'-somethin’ in our buttholes for the evening? Is that so wrong? Girls can ask for anal without batting an eyelash, but when we want to go rooting around in there, we’re greeted with reprehension. All we want is a small, inoffensive prostate massage, but now we’re some kind of "butt-nerd"? Great.
4. The overwhelming urge to gaze upon the female form (and tendency to get caught)
Ladies, we don’t think you get it. So in an attempt to make it sound somewhat romantic, as to make it more excusable: ya’ll are so fucking gorgeous, dudes be unable to do anything but gawk like bumbling fools. If society wasn’t all about tolerance and hadn’t put an end to witch hunts, most of you would be condemned to death by burning, for casting spells on our eyeballs.
Hopefully some of the previous poetic nonsense has helped to alleviate the humiliation of being totally busted with the face of thirst whilst in the act of leering.
5. A cruel phenomena colloquially known as shrinkage
Showcasing an artistic work before its completion is kind of like introducing your cold and shriveled up penis to a romantic interest, before you engage sexually with them for the first time.
We won’t drive this point home any further; just know the penis is entirely temperamental, which leads to all kinds of unbearable awkwardness and misadventures.
6. The plethora of porn options available
“Am I normal? What the fuck is wrong with me?” These are the awkward coming of age questions a man sometimes asks himself when he’s wearing a tube sock on his cock filled with fresh jizz and some seriously fucked up shit on his laptop screen.
Just remember kids, if you’re going to watch porn, you will adopt a sick fetish. Don’t get too comfortable, so as to forget erasing your browser history. Because when your parents or girlfriend catches you — which can very likely happen — you will discover a world awkwardness you never even knew existed.
7. Trying to decipher whether or not she’s into us
Courtship can be this tremendously awkward dance which is easily misread, and often times men discover they are in fact dancing the steps to it alone. As is the usual case, the man has been friendzoned months earlier, and for all he knows, he is playing a slow game.
For you see, women send off a lot of mixed signals and deeply veiled hints, to which men don’t have a decoder machine for. And so, men are left throwing Hail Marys when it is entirely inappropriate, and missing connections when she essentially holds up a “fuck me” sign.
We’d secretly like to ask you to just straight out tell us what you want, but then we risk sounding stupid, which we are.
8. Perpetually saying the wrong thing, especially when she's already pissed
There is this elite grouping of men out there who are revered by women. Mothers welcome them into their families with open arms and fathers take them goose hunting.
They are polite, they always say the right thing and they have this fascinating element of mystery. These men are called the strong and silent type, and they find success by keeping their mouths shut. The less men speak, the more likely they won’t say the wrong thing.
For most of us weak, loud types, though; we have no idea what the fuck to say. We want to say the right thing, but how the hell should we know what that is? So, instead of saying the right thing, we say something that’s a string of prepositions, nouns and adjectives, and hope the listener interprets this as correct. Please help.
9. Urinating inoffensively
When you’re a man, you piss next to other dudes who can all see your dick and you can see all of theirs. You’re literally just a bunch of dudes, standing there with your cocks in your hands, trying desperately to look anywhere but at one of the many penises pointed right at you.
So you develop a method; an optical pattern to follow each time you pee so that when you go in there, you’ve got a premeditated plan of where to look. It goes something this: up, down, right, up, down, left, right, left, right, up, up, up, up, up, up, down, up, up, up, blink, down.
10. Trying to figure out facial hair
Growing up is really difficult as a male. It’s probably more difficult for girls, but boys have it pretty rough too, mostly because we’re confronted with the daunting task of deciphering our own facial hair.
First you get a shitty pubescent mustache trying to sprout its way across your upper lip, and after that, you have a face which exudes filth upon all that interact with it. Like, it almost feels contagious looking at it, and so you become stricken with a need to bathe yourself afterwards.
Later on in life, you realize that you were not genetically blessed with the capacity to grow a full beard. Instead, God or evolution has gifted you with a patchy, inconsistent, highly irregular crop of mug rug and now you have to decide what to do with it lest you let it be and look like your face was eaten off as a young boy.
Should you go the goatee route and give your social network the impression that you are Shakespeare or Satan incarnate? Should you cut your losses and try out the mustache look, only to be mistaken for a gay undercover cop every time you do a sassy twirl in the club? Or, should you extract it completely and take the baby-faced path to salvation knowing that this move reverse-ages you, causing people to mistake you for a very tired 17-year-old at all times?
There’s no easy answer. Even if your blood is brimming with testosterone and you can grow your facial hair however you want, it requires an extraordinary amount of upkeep to be that burly.
Best to just stay inside with your spontaneous erections and practice talking to elevator women, we guess.