This is why we stay home when it snows …

To live in Colorado, you have have to have a certain degree of skill when it comes to operating a moving vehicle. In order to deal with the terrain, exploding traffic problem and the glacially slow Subaru people, you really have be on your A game.

However, when it snows, that system goes to shit. Drivers engage in their own subjective survival mode personalities, and all at once, the roads become overrun with people making travel a very "interesting" experience for everyone.

Here are some of the types of people you're liable to encounter in any given snowstorm.

1. Small Penis Guy

You know what they say about guys with big trucks, right? Well, while you're drowning in a snowbank, Small Penis Guy and his microdick are currently steam-rolling the terrain in their monster truck like 12 inches of fresh powder and black ice is a stage to be played upon. This dude's fully loaded like a baked potato with super-sized studded tires, chains and an air horn, and he's loving every moment of this small victory despite the fact that he'll be out of gas before the end of this sentence.

2. The Graduation Gift Recipient

It's overwhelmingly evident that this person recently graduated college. How can you tell? Because no one in their right mind would be driving that economy model, front-wheel drive Nissan Sentra in a Colorado snowstorm. The only possible explanation for this is that their Floridian retiree grandparents generously gifted it to them for graduation and they had no choice but to smile and nod. They're skidding everywhere and traveling at the Mach speed of 8 mph and you almost feel bad for them until they stop at a green light to sub their Sublime CD out for Third Eye Blind.

3. The Immortal Technique

This person is personally insulted that her driving skills have been questioned by highway traffic patrol's warnings to "slow down" and "exercise caution." She'll take this opportunity to prove to everyone she's both a highly skilled motorist and death-proof by traveling along far above the speed limit, weaving in and out of stalled or slow cars as if to say "Caution is for those with an expiration date" (eye roll). You may also know her as the person that speeds up to red lights on black ice, and as such, you're almost guaranteed to see her car on the back of a tow truck in the upcoming miles.

4. The "Everything's Changed" Person

Some Coloradans are under the impression that heavy snow changes the rules of the road. This basic assumption underlies the driving behavior of the "everything's changed" person, who has completely abandoned use of their turn signals and headlights, and passes through stop signs and traffic lights in a lobotomized fashion as if traffic apparatuses were invisible. They've gone ahead and made their own lane, and while they're driving at a normal speed, they're doing so as if they were the sole survivors of a nuclear holocaust.

5. America's Next Top Dead Person

This is the person that's 103 percent certain they're going to die right here, in this particular snowstorm. They're gripping the steering wheel in a cold sweat, jaw clenched, going 15 m.p.h, and assuming that you're in the same frame of mind. But … come to think of it … they're actually kind of nice to drive behind because they're going too slow to spray your windshield with slush …

6. The Snow Leopard

This person's just straight-up stuck in a snowbank. They're chilling there for now, both literally and figuratively.

7. The One Who (Almost) Got Away

This is the person who tries to escape the ungodly traffic by driving faster down the shoulders. Unless the passenger in that car is a lady visibly giving birth or spontaneously combusting, this this almost never ends well for this person as people will die before they let them merge back into traffic.

8. The Snowman Impersonator

This is the person who's way too fucking cold and late to work to scrape off their windshield, so they travel around in a Mad Max-esque fortress that sheds its body onto your windshield in vast, unforgiving chunks. Basically, they look like Antarctica if it grew wheels.

9. The Donut Jockey

For every snowy parking lot, there's a stoned-ass Colorado kid with a pimped out Subaru who lives for this moment.

"Tokyo drift!" they'll inevitably shout, proving just how culturally pervasive the Fast and the Furious saga was. That's something to ponder as you wait for AAA.

10. The Flatlander

This is the person whose car just slowly slid backwards into yours as it failed at climb a hill, causing a chain reaction that ends in something akin to the above situation.

They tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it didn't even matter.

11. The Fucking Professional

Slower than average, yet brisk pace? Check. Proper use of blinkers? Check! Travels in a relatively straight line? CHECK!. Clean windshield, 4-Wheel Drive and snow tires? You know this.

This person knows what the fuck they're doing and has been driving in Colorado long enough that they could do it with their eyes closed. They've even mastered that whole "turn your wheel the opposite way of the spin thing" you're supposed to do when you're sliding out. Or was it the same way …