There are only a handful of things men can count on in life: death, taxes and exceptionally inopportune public boners.
The dong is an unruly, autonomous entity that answers to no one, especially not the person it’s attached to. It doesn’t care if it embarrasses us or pokes unwilling strangers … but there are some situations where this is more heinous than others.
Here’s a look at some of the instances in which popping an unwanted chubby could really have a guy sweating:
1. The bus
Sometimes there’s just no explanation for them. Especially not while riding on any form of god damn public transportation. There are snoot streaks, ominous tinted smudges on the windows, inexplicable sticky goo on the handles, not to mention the tweakers and all around destitute nature of the majority of the people there in general. You’re only a speedbump away from inappropriate sexual deviance, but you just can’t get the image of Elvira out of your mind .
There’s nothing sexy about it … any of it. Cue of an inconvenient rod spurred by god only knows what and pray that you don’t bump into anyone.
2. During a break up
One of the oddest aspects of bonerdom is how often they come about during moments of great sadness. Although the swell of a boner during a breakup may not necessarily be reiterating the right tone and overall message, breakup sex is always a solid way of traversing that uncanny bridge.
“I no longer enjoy you; however, part of me wouldn’t mind splaying you again before you pack up all of our tacky things around my apartment,” is what your unwanted guest is saying to your now-weeping girlfriend.
Peculiar yet fair enough.
3. First date
Although this, for the most part, is fairly reasonably to begin with considering the new stimuli presented; however, following-up the question “So tell me a little about yourself” with a noticeable bulge in one’s khakis isn’t really putting out all the right vibes. Or hell, maybe it is … kids these days!
4. AA
“Hi, I’m Dan, 26, and no this isn’t a boner.” Nothing like being at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting to fulfill that DUI requirement and popping an engorged boner of puberty proportions to prove that you have your impulse control issues under complete control. No problems here at all …
5. Laundromat
The laundromat is where complete indigence meets inconvenience. As noted previously, there’s no real rhyme or reason for the majority of boners ‘culmination;’ anything could nudge the damn thing in the wrong direction.
Although for the most part, the Wash-O-Rama is a wonderful place to start up a conversation with a babe on laundry day; sporting a rodney while divvying up your shit-stained briefs only reinforces the all-too-easy laundromat lurker aesthetic.
6. Church/ midnight mass
When you come to town for the holidays, sometimes it’s just easier to go with the motions and attend church with the family rather than open up an existential can of worms. Why does your boner feel like a holy space occupied by three of your uncles and your little cousin Tara is a nice place to assert itself? God only knows. Maybe it’s all the standing and kneeling … damn Catholics and their rituals. All that blood being pumped around, it’s really no wonder it doesn’t happen more often. Who knows?
Maybe it does.
7. Job interview
The situation itself is right out of a porno to begin with. It doesn’t matter if you’re interviewing to clean airplane septic tanks or babysit people’s reptiles when they’re away; any possibility of workplace romance can cause a penile dance. Add a babe interviewer and a few rogue neurotransmitter fires and you’re junk isn’t nearly as worried about landing that entry level seasonal position as it its railing this lady in her pant suit right then and there.
8. When you're boarding a plane
so, you boarded early, and you're the only one in the aisle. You're enjoying this brief moment of solitude before an overjoyed father of three shows you photos of his dog and tests your masculinity with sports talk, when suddenly, it's boner time. You sink into your seat in shame, hoping that each person filing down the aisle isn't the unlucky soul who has to sit next to you thinking that the fear of dying in a plane crash gets you hard … or that you're so excited to sit close to someone that you couldn't help but preemptively pre-cum.
This is gonna be a loooong ride.
9. When you’re just trying to pee
This a problem all its own. When the flagpole rises, peeing is incredibly messy and almost anatomically impossible. The only options are to A) wait it out B) do the awkward lean and bend aiming the unruly thing at the toilet bowl or C) just say fuck the whole charade and open the shower curtain and do the ol’ fountain trick letting them remnants dribble down your balls … Having fun yet?
10. Funeral
There’s nothing like the crushing realization that life is short and meaningless and a sea of crying people to send a veritable Niagra to your peen. Maybe all that death makes it think now is a good time to create life? Button the bottom button on the blazer, lean forward a little at the shoulder and wait it out. There are plenty of places to sneak off to at a funeral home and well, scoundrels will be scoundrels … just don’t get caught.
11. The coffee shop
Sometimes you just get so excited at the prospect of pouring hot, bitter fluid down your throat that your body goes into hyperdrive and starts rapidly producing sperm in case some lovely Starbucks patron wants to share a blueberry muffin with you and also successfully raise your progeny into a viable adult. Plus, it’s pumpkin-spice season, which creates a whole new layer of excitement. Usually, these coffee-shop boners aren’t that big of a deal until you spill boiling macchiato all down your abdomen and kill a few testicle cells in the process. But, you can just run away screaming like half the people do in that coffee shop anyway; it’s a bad neighborhood.
12. The dentist
Why are you acting like you’re enjoying this, penis?
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