'MURICA is a great place, where citizens enjoy relative freedom amongst their Ford F-150s and many Subway Sandwich Shops, but we think there's still room for improvement. That's why we drafted up this little list of basic human rights that should be added to the Constitution, right under John Hancock's John Hancock. Because making the world a better place is what Rooster does tenth-best.

'MURICA is a great place, where citizens enjoy relative freedom amongst their Ford F-150s and many Subway Sandwich Shops, but we think there's still room for improvement. That's why we drafted up this little list of basic human rights that should be added to the Constitution, right under John Hancock's John Hancock. Because making the world a better place is what Rooster does tenth-best.

1. The right to remain silent when your girlfriend asks you which of her friends you'd most want to have a threesome with, but they can't be hot, and it can't be Nancy, Katie, or Tess.

2. The right to spray slow drivers with a Silly String that shoots out of cannisters you've attached to your front bumper in the event that they don't move to the right lane. 

3. The right to two-ply toilet paper in every restroom, whether public or private, for every man, woman and child. Because sandpaper-y TP isn't good for anyone.

4. The right to only have to hold the door open for the person right behind you. Your name isn't Door Stop, it's Dan. Dan.

5. The right to never have to hear Phish without prior consent, and, if Phish is heard nonconsensually, everyone has to both name their first-born after you and buy you drinks for the rest of the year.

6. The right to smoke weed regardless of state border or what "heavy machinery operation" job you've "had for five years" and "need to pay off alimony."

7. The right to ignore voicemails. "Hey honey, it's Mom again, you'll never guess what the dog did–." Click.

8. The right pay parking tickets by doing funky little jigs that both surprise and delight meter maids.

9. The right to crack open a beer at exactly 4:30 p.m. during the work week, and then spend the remaining 30 minutes of the day "pooping" in an effort to shirk your responsibilities.

10. The right to have at least one of your Tinder photos be a picture of Morgan Freeman smiling.

11. The right to have your sexual fantasies indulged in exchange for the sale of your soul to a Wiccan tribe in Vermont, which may or may not have happened to us.

12. The right to a section of the concert zoned specifically for tall people. Maybe one that's sunken slightly into the ground so they end up being the same height as everyone else who wasn't fathered by a giant.

13. The right to bring your Four Loko on the plane because you can't get through that shit without a sip of precious nectar.

14. The right to know what the fuck is going on under DIA. Oh, and what's up with those murals? Seriously if you don't tell us, we're going to keep sending you troglodyte food, which is just our leftover Pad Thai that was too spicy for us.

15. The right to a "dislike" button on Facebook that would allow you to use Freedom of Speech to express your solemn, but well-formed opinion that your ex's engagement photos are a grievous insult to human retinas … but congratulations!

… And once all that is taken care of, we can finally get to work making it legal to have sex in Colorado rivers while bathing, which is something this society is sorely missing.