"Bi … Partisan Orgy"

Porn is boring lately.

After so many bouts of fake people getting pounded in impossible scenarios, we just want to see something real. Something so gritty it mirrors real life with sickening alacrity. Something so impossibly fucked up and shameful, it can only be a sexual parody of the United States government.

But since our usual haunts like Pornhub and YouPorn offer an alarming lack of political porn titles for us to beat up our bodies to, we had to invent some of our own.

1. "Hot Brunette Can't Afford Affordable Healthcare, So She Pays Out of Pocket Hard"

Thankfully this office offers free gynecology.

2. "Pant Suit Party 4: Impalin' Palin"

… Which Palin though? The teen mom or the sexually retired elder?

It might just be a family affair.

3. "What Happens In the House, Stays In the House"

Tell no one we successfully repealed sodomy laws tonight.

4. "Oral Office 3: Hillary's Revenge"

Who's El Presidente now, Bubba?

5. "Bi … Partisan Orgy"

No one comes in this system.

6. "Sit-In On My Dick"

Really having to resort to some interesting methods to enact change around here …

7. "DEA Panty Raid!!!"

These hot babes are definitely smuggling something, and it's not in their pockets …

8. "Government Shutdown 4: When Congress Gets Freaky"

What else did you think they were doing with all that time off?

9. "Is That a Filibuster, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?"

Hope you're well lubed; this is going to take forever.

10. "That's Not All That's Yuge!"

… And that Mexican wall isn't the only foot-long thing we've got down south.

11. "Be Careful With Your Daughters, Trump"

A lot of stuff comes out of the Trump family's mouths, but tonight, it goes in.

12. "One Night In Hillary's Missing Server"

We couldn't find it because it was in a hotel room with a rapper an night vision goggles.

13. "Third Party: The Threesome That Brought The Screaming Bald Eagle of Freedom to Its Knees"

A couple bored with the same old routine is ready for something new and exciting!

14. "Horny Teen Finally Old Enough to Vote At the Cockus"

She really wants to "go down" in history.

15. "Completely Fucked: The Story of America"

From George Washington to Barack Obama, it's just one giant human centipede of men dressed as presidents, fucking each other, because that's essentially what our government is. It would be nice to see some Hillary in there, but we wouldn't mind seeing Donald as the caboose to that train.