I sat through four solid hours of the GOP convention last night, here's what I got out of it …
I sat through four solid hours of the GOP convention last night, themed "Make America Safe Again." It was a big day for me, too, since I also attended my first rodeo — the results of both is that I walked away dazed, confused, headache-y, with pee stains on my pants, constipated from chewing off and swallowing all of my fingernails …
… then, while continuing to worry, I sat chewing off most of my fingers. I'm dictating this through 'Google Journalist.'
Here's everything I now know about the security of the world, based on what was said in Cleveland:
– The world is ending.
– We're all going to die.
– Or else most of us are already dead.
– We are living at the most dangerous time in history, in which Islamic Radical Extremist Islamers are radicalizing the extremest Islamists.
– Because of Hillary.
– Hillary Clinton is weak and loves our enemies and wants America to lose every war and force average Americans to give Muslim terrorists — who are already here in America — hand jobs.
– Donald Trump is very strong. Very tough. He says so, toughly.
– The microphones did not work properly; everyone was yelling.
– Hillary is responsible for the American deaths in Benghazi, which totalled 43,000 killed and 5,000 wounded.
– Donald's wife Melania Trump triumphed in the fashion industry despite being born a poor black child in a suburb of Chicago.
– In the Benghazi attack, Hillary Clinton personally strangled 87 Americans with piano wire while whispering "Shhh … we have started a fire … shh … the fire rises."
– Obama piloted an immigration program for Mexicans and other immigrants called the OJ-4 visa program, in which immigrants are brought here to commit the murders and rapes Americans just aren't willing to commit.
– Hillary Clinton deserves prison because she put email servers in her house, which were hacked by everyone and found to be filled with — based on the level of anger — child pornography.
– Melania Trump succeeded as a model, despite having to use so much hair relaxer.
– Iraq and Afghanistan service veterans who have returned home are unbelievable, fantastic, the best, amazing heroes, and not a single one of them would do anything cowardly like kill police officers in Dallas or Baton Rouge.
– Obama and Hillary refuse to use the name of our enemy. The enemy's name is Steve.
– Melania Trumps loves her dear husband, Donarack Trubama.
The convention will be on again tonight — although I don’t know what kind of TV reception I’ll get down in the bunker I’m building today.
Seriously, all conventions are a little crazy. But Cleveland has taken the “paranoid style in American politics” to a nearly Hitlerian level.
And sitting through four hours of all that loud wobbly yawping by vein-popped honkeys probably wasn’t the best use of my time. But it’s so addictive, all this crazy! It’s so mesmerizing! I can feel myself being drawn in again tonight.
The theme tonight is "Make America Work Again." But if any of us ever want to get any work done again, America’s got to turn this drivel off.