Some of these aren't even names. Come on. 

My friend's mom works as a kindergarten teacher in a pretty hillbilly part of the state, and every year after the first day she'll come home, dole out a trucker's pour of pinot grigio for herself and mutter about how stupid kids' names are these days. Her white trash favorite? Abcde. Pronounced "Ab-sed-ee," some people might mistake that for the first five letters of the alphabet, but someone else thought it'd be a beautiful little girl's name. And in 18 years, the strip-club announcer will no doubt mispronounce it right before she waddles on stage, but that's what momma wanted. 

Giving your kids a stupid, unique name absolutely sets them up for failure, but that didn't stop this year's moms and dads from dooming their children to lives of harassment by giving them dumb names. If your kid's name isn't generic, people will associate them with the other person they know with that name. Hence, naming your kid "Sting" or "Hermione" isn't cute — it just ties them to pop culture icons until they die. 

The girls of the class of 2033 got it pretty bad. 

I mean, come on. Eleanor? Penelope? Have you met anyone under 90 years old with those names? No. The answer is no. 

The boys, unfortunately, got it a lot worse. 

The name "Ezra" has exactly one proper context, which is obviously one of the best songs to roller skate to while wearing Jncos:

"Atticus" was the dude from "To Kill a Mockingbird" and "Declan" is just random letters put together.

And "Jasper" is the name of a faithful dog.