Trust us, we're avoiding exercise as much as the next slacker, so we talked with trainers to learn how to maintain our chiseled beach bodies whilst exerting the most minimal effort possible.

Walk on water

Believe it or not, the copious amounts of Malibu rum implemented as part of your happy-hour diet aren’t the only health and social problems plaguing your future. The clear, wet stuff you’ve neglected your entire life also contributes to your horizontal growth. Your body needs an adequate amount of water to function. This functionality comes in the form of energizing the body to perform tasks, which in turn boosts metabolism. And while you’re sweating the fried pork bellies simply by doing nothing besides rehydrating, that same glass of water suppresses your appetite for another bag of the greasy snacks. Next time you dance with the idea of eating the entire tray of cocktail shrimp, drink a glass of water first. You’ll be surprised at how little you eat.

Slow down, Jonah Hill

The food isn’t going anywhere, and there’s plenty of time before you consciously understand your stomach has reached full capacity. It takes roughly 20 minutes for your stomach to alert your brain that it’s had enough. In the case of your brain, it probably takes a little longer. Slowing down between bites has clinically shown to decrease the number of calories consumed in a single meal. To avoid eating fast, talk more about your lame life, engage inquisitively with your meal-mates, or make sure to chew 30 times before swallowing your bite of food. We don’t care how you do it, but just know slowing down your chompers will help reduce the size of your trousers.

Be a realist

We’d be lying if we said maintaining washboard abs like the Rooster editors was an easy task. It’s not. Many strive to accomplish this feat but inevitably come up short of our tight, chiseled and glistening physiques. The reason for this falls on the formulation of unrealistic expectations. Trainers attest to seeing more people fail to get in shape because of lofty and short-term expectations, quitting for lack of quick results or destroying their muscles in intense workouts. Shave your gut by creating a balance of short- and long-term goals. If getting out of the recliner and waddling to the kitchen for a beer is a formidable goal for you, so be it. There’s no shame in crawling before you walk.

Stay single

Finally, we give you an expectation within your reach. Years of involuntary celibacy have prepared you for this healthy moment. Because the idiomatic behavior of humans is to follow the herd, couples more often than not succumb to being overweight. Why? Humans are greatly influenced by those around us. When it comes to eating, women often eat less in a date situation while men eat more, thinking it is manly. Couples are highly affected by their eating partners, and as they see them eat they continue to eat, whether they’re full or not. Whether you’re a couple or not, watching someone eat or staring at food while you eat will trigger your brain to continue to eat. Confused? Don’t worry, you’ll be single for a while whether you try or not.