When it comes to determining your level of alcoholism, there's "drinking intervention specialists," and then there's this list. Drinking intervention specialists are normcore women named Tammy. This list is not. Drinking intervention specialists suggest you cut back and find a hobby other than depleting the world's supply of wheat and potatoes. This list doesn't fuck with that. Drinking intervention specialists cost $90 a session. This list is free if you don't count your internet bill and your valuable time. See where we're going with this?

When it comes to determining your level of alcoholism, there's "drinking intervention specialists," and then there's this list. Drinking intervention specialists are normcore women named Tammy. This list is not. Drinking intervention specialists suggest you cut back and find a hobby other than depleting the world's supply of wheat and potatoes. This list doesn't fuck with that. Drinking intervention specialists cost $90 a session. This list is free if you don't count your internet bill and your valuable time. See where we're going with this?

Okay, big guy. Here's how you know:

1. Browning out becomes a success story you tell friends

2. You're on a first name basis for Jack, Jim, Johnny and Jose

3. Your friends are all on some juice cleanse kick, but instead of being happy for them, you despise them for leaving you without a drinking partner

4. Weak hangovers are the start of a bender

5. Pacing yourself means you start drinking at 5pm and not 4pm

6. Eating after drinking is off limits solely because it will kill your amazing buzz

7. You begin to start every story with, "I was so fucked up…"

8. You can see your breath in August

9. You're referred to as Tequila Man but you have no clue why

10. Grocery shopping lists have a side bar for drunk late-night munchie groceries

11. You're always out of cups at your house but the plates always seem to stay clean

12. You wake up to messages from friends asking "Are you still alive?"

13. You walk by a police officer and set their breathalyzer right off

14. There's an amendment to your state's DUI law named after you

15. Someone who looks like you, talks like you, and has the same DNA code as you has an arrest warrant, but you swear it's not you

16. You keep a toothbrush at the drunk tank

17. Your job is interfering with your drinking

18. Your liver has quit its day job as a liver and started to work nights at a diner

19. You've turned the roadside sobriety test into a musical routine, complete with glitter and a baton … and you can't wait until you get pulled over next so you can debut it to your audience

20. Vampires avoid you when they have to drive

21. You wake up from a night of drinking with your eyebrow shaved off and the word "eyebrow" written on it … and you were drinking at home

22. Your idea of a Bloody Mary is one you can see through 

23. When you say "I'm working on my six-pack," you're not talking about your abs

24. You made more money recycling empty beer cans last year than you did at your job

25. You think the world revolves around you … especially when you lay down

26. Ladies' night is your night, and if you're not a lady, then there's a reason why you have so much women's clothing …

27. You don't believe in plastic surgery. Haven't those people ever heard of beer googles?

28. Speaking of, you have literal beer googles

29. You've figured out how to deep fry alcohol, make booze whipped cream, incorporate it into salad dressings and marinades, and by some miracle of God, bake it into your pizza, you diabolical genius, you

30. When people say you should drink more water, you just add more ice to your drink

31. Bottomless mimosas are how you get your daily Vitamin C intake

32. You own a horse that you ride when you're too drunk to drive

33. You consider projectile vomiting just your body's way of telling you it made room for more

34. You preemptively shave off your eyebrows and draw a dick on your cheek before a night out with friends

35. Your purse, pants, and hat all have secret spy compartments sewn into them so you can smuggle shooters into concerts and events

36. You wake up in a strange house … that's across the street from yours

37. You think Love Actually is a good movie

38. Your favorite drinking game is "Taking a Drink Every Time I Drink"

39. You've figured out a way to do this on your iPhone:

40. … And lastly, when you own a crossbow. Dead giveaway.