Here are a few things you can do to ensure you don’t end up dick down in a snow bank at 4 am on the morning of Jan 1.
Long ago cemented as America’s favorite day to drink cheap champagne and pretend we’re fancier and more important than we actually are, New Years Eve is now only a few short days away. The debaucherous shit show is known for bringing out the worst in people and never quite living up to the hype.
Oh, yeah, and this holiday happens in the dead of winter to make things that much more complicated.
To help, here are things you can do to ensure you don’t end up dick down in a snow bank at 4 am on the morning of Jan 1.
Avoid drinking champagne all night …
Of course you need to drink a glass when the clock strikes midnight, but don’t stick with the André all night — unless of course you enjoy feeling like you were donkey punched by Andre The Giant the morning after.
The extremely high level of carbon dioxide in champagne gives the drink its bubbly personality, but also helps the alcohol absorb into the bloodstream much faster than comparatively flat drinks. This means getting drunk happens faster, which is exactly what you don’t want on New Years Eve. You need to be prepared to drink for at least 6 hours straight, so don’t go passing out 2 hours before midnight. We’re looking at you, Carrie …
Layer up …
Balance your desire to look like a slutty version of Cruella de Vil along with your basic survival instincts. It is going to be fucking cold, and it’s inevitable that you’ll be outside in line for some bar or waiting curbside for an Uber at some point. Chipping your teeth in line at Decadence because you’re hypothermic and shivering isn’t a good look. Do you want frostbite on your labia? Because if you just wear that mini skirt and halter top, it’s going to happen. Layer up some cashmere with your finest furs and stave off Jack Frost like Father Christmas has been doing for centuries.
Just don’t go scurrying down any chimneys.
Manage expectations over realities …
When it’s all boiled down, New Years Eve is just another night of drinking. Fuck all the symbolism — 2015 was just a year, and NYE is just a night. You aren’t going to wake up on January 1st in bed with Selena Gomez. You’re going to wake up crying at 3 pm because you’re hungover and your serotonin levels are in the gutter thanks to the half-gram of Molly you ate.
Better to go into it with realistic expectations.
Keep your options open …
No one wants to be the lonely creep that has to go outside to smoke a cigarette at 12:01 because everyone is making out but you. Don’t be the guy expecting a kiss from the girl you’ve been staring at since you got to the bar at 8:30 but haven’t even talked to, either. Have options, and know that any kiss is better than no kiss. Yeah, maybe there aren’t many options for you, and you’ll have to explore your bisexual tendencies you’ve been ignoring since high school — but hey, new year, new you … right?
To hell with new resolutions …
Fuck your New Years resolutions, too. If you really wanted to change yourself you would have started on December 1st — or really any other day of the year. Stop pretending a new year is significant in your quest for self-improvement. You’ve been fat for the past 5 years, and you haven’t done anything about it yet. Why would you expect yourself to be a new person come this go ‘round?
If you want to lose weight it’s much easier to just cut off a leg than it is to cut carbs. So if you are set on having a New Year’s resolution, maybe it should be to buy a saw. We all know your lazy ass won’t be hitting the gym past the second week of January anwyays.
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