Sitting down in front of the computer used to be an enjoyable escape from the gross realities of daily life. The past was a time better spent lying in chat rooms about innocuous shit or knocking down a long weekend with first-person shoot’em’ups. It was pure entertainment, plain and simple. Now though, Hollywood inundates the online sphere with garbage, just because. You’ve probably seen it, but here’s five of the more meaningless titles we’ve been pummeled with today.

Sitting down in front of the computer used to be an enjoyable escape from the gross realities of daily life. The past was a time better spent lying in chat rooms about innocuous shit or knocking down a long weekend with first-person shoot’em’ups. It was pure entertainment, plain and simple.

Now though, the fantasy is lost and its been marred by the ever-prescient suck of the real world. There’s few places to hide out on the ‘net anymore and even less places Google’s algorithms won’t find you and shell out ads or articles based on random searches. We are being given what they want us to have, rather than finding what we want.

And celebrity scoops? They’re the worst offenders. We get it, we’re an entertainment magazine, so our searches are plum filled to the brim with things like, “Tom Green’s death star analogy” (he doesn’t have one), “Madonna’s porn book” (she had one, it wasn’t great) and “Who was that bastard-looking bully-kid with red hair from Home Alone” (his name is Devin Ratray, he still acts, and appears to be a decent dude).

Any one of those searches assure a less than exciting online experience each time we sit down.

But the shotty algorithms force on us a manufactured vision of the real world and make it seem like it’s all glitz and glam from hell on earth to the west. Hollywood inundates the online sphere with garbage, just because. You’ve probably seen it, but here’s five of the more meaningless titles we’ve been pummeled with today.

Skrillex did not buy Wu-Tang Clans $5 million album

Instead of the media using universal prowess to tell its curious audience about the goings on of the world, it’s now being used to inform everyone of what people aren't doing. Such is the case this morning when Billboard (and many other copycat outlets) ran the story of Skrillex not purchasing Wu-Tang Clan's fabled $5 million album “The Wu – Once Upon A Time In Shaolin”. It’s a forthcoming album fetching such a massive price because The Wu will only stamp one copy of the masterpiece.

To jump on that trend while it’s new, here are a few things that didn’t happen today:

  • The President of the United States of America did not step down from his position in office.
  • Hell has not frozen over, nor has it been proven to actually exist.
  • Smoking cigarettes has not become healthy for anyone. Except for extremists of any kind, you guys can go ahead and keep puffing away.
  • It has not become OK to speed up when the driver next to you puts on his/her turn signal. Seriously, stop it.

Britney Spears is having a birthday

Ah yes, that babely number we all grew to maturation with is celebrating being one year older today. Unique? No, not really, because we all – every living being on this planet right now – has / had a birthday this year. Why should Britney's be any different? Sure it’s a secretive way for the Illuminati to remind us all we’re one skip closer to the inescapable claws of Uncle Death’s pull, but is that really front-page fodder?

We’ve still got a massive high-schoolesque crush on her though, so we only half mind photos of her clogging up our currently miserable social media feeds. For that, we’ll only be half-pissed.

Justin Beiber met some of the New England Patriots

Anything that has anything to do with this little twerp is downright insulting to the binary codes wasted on its existence. Continuing the perceived myth of his unfavorable luck to any NFL team crossing his path, though, is giving us a small bit of senseless satisfaction. So we’re game.

If you hadn’t heard, the fading star hung out with some of the Pittsburgh Steelers during bible study this past November before the hapless New York Jets trounced the team into a loss. Fans blamed the Biebs, and a comical announcement of his jinxing the team went viral. Now, the myth is legend and the recent rendezvous with the New England Patriots is a thing of news.

It’s funny because it’s probably, mostly, arguably, doubtfully, and definitely not true.

Trey Songz is a belligerent asshat

We actually thought this little tidbit of disclosure wasn’t near as bad as the others, as it has everything deemed entertaining from action, suspense and even simplistic character development. But at the end of it, all what we have to realize is the character is a drunken celebrity, and his development is just bad behavior because of some phony sense of entitlement.

Apparently Trey Songz went ape-shit on a couple of ladies trying to get a picture with him and broke a phone in the process. Yep, the tantrum went newsworthy.

Idolizing overpaid train wrecks with a penchant for incompetent conduct is exhausting. We feel less than human for perpetuating the cycle by even posting this. It’s a circular mind-fuck of depressing proportions. C'est the fucking la vie, as they say.

Ariana Grande’s mom likes her boyfriend

Ariana Grande, the 21-year-old rising pop star, recently confirmed her relationship with 26-year-old hip-hop contemporary Big Sean (Admittedly they do look pretty good together, though). Say it with us now, “Big whoop?” 

But what does her mom think!?
We’re glad you asked!!
Because she likes him!!

… and that, ladies and gentlemen, is our contribution to the historical relevance of our current civilization.