It’s not easy, young grasshopper.
It takes a true expert to procrastinate without being exposed for the lazy individual you are. We put together our list of how to get by doing as little work as possible.
1. Go hard, when it matters
Ninety percent of the time you’re predicting when to change back to a channel after the commercials are done. The other 10 percent of the time, you’re giving your all to that nice presentation or assignment where your boss or professor will be paying the most attention.
2. Invent Things
Nothing tells your exasperated friends and family that you’re finally making moves with life like a brand new invention. Pajama suit, anyone? Dog saddle rides? Locking on to an idea only to do nothing with it at a later date buys you time to further procrastinate on life.
3. Don’t date
If you care to ruin everything you built in your loafer lifestyle, start dating someone. They’ll want you to care. They’ll want you to be responsible. They’ll want Q-tips in the bathroom. Don’t do it. Avoid total responsibility and personal sacrifice by simply drinking alone at the bar.
4. Lose All Feelings
We’re not sure what those things called “feelings” are, but the only time you are allowed to express them is during “Top Gun” and “My Girl.” Feelings make people vulnerable, and vulnerable people tend to become more vulnerable. Eventually you’ll become a giant vulnerable Kleenex box no one wants to hang out with.
5. Get Roommates
Should you procrastinate when living alone, you’ll immediately have time to think about what you’ve become. Thinking takes time away from your inventions. Get roommates to cover your tracks of indolence. When people hear you live with roommates, they immediately expect less from you.