Drink it in dear friends, it's another fabulous Monday to start out another fabulous week, and whoever wrote this had way too f*cking much coffee today.
Alright look, maybe we’re being a little ambitious with this article. If you’re absolutely convinced you detest Mondays, and there’s nothing us, or any other preaching asshole can do to persuade you otherwise, at least tomorrow is Taco Tuesday. And after that, is hump day, which means the work week is already half done. Then you have yourself Thirsty Thursday, a day you can start the weekend early on, because the next day is fucking Friday, baby!
Or you can stop living in the future and just enjoy Mondays for these five, overly optimistic reasons:
1. Nobody is expecting 100 percent from you today
You're an hour late, but who the fuck isn't? It's a goddamn Monday.
Relax a little. Society fully expects today to be a shitshow, including your boss who probably didn’t even show up, because he likely got too turnt on the weekend.
So duck into your cubicle and finish the rest of your McBreaky. Let it hit every spot in just the right way (unlike the mystery lover you took home on the weekend), as you recline back into bliss. Tuesday is when you'll start doing actual work. Tuesdays are actually just Mondays in costume.
2. The impossible has occurred: you’ve actually missed your coworkers
Ah, admit it. You've got a soft spot for those little fuckers. And by Monday, you've been away from the job just long enough to miss your work family … even the ones you hate. Yes, even Devin from Sales.
See, without those lovable pinheads, you wouldn’t have people to laugh with, tease and complain about. How else would the day go by, especially on Monday, the day most likely to crush your resolve to live? Community support all the way.
3. The legendary tales from the weekend
Our favorite part about Mondays is the opportunity it provides to swap stories of the weekend's conquests and exploits. None of your real friends care about that shit, because they were either there or too blacked out to form workable memories, but your work friends provide a fresh audience to regale. The way they pretend to listen to you while you serenade them with tales of "being so fucking wasted, man" is heartwarming enough to melt the icy sheath that forms around your heart at the beginning of the work week.
Not to mention all the pictures that flood in on Facebook. For us, it always feels like the scene at the end of The Hangover, when they go through the pictures from the night before.
That reminds us, maybe we should go and set our tagged pictures to private …
4. It's the perfect opportunity to recite: "Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays!"
Here’s what we want you to do: anytime anyone at work looks stressed out, walk up to them and recite that lame, masterfully trite line, “Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays,” before howling in self delight. Because it’s so much fun to play the calculated psychopath sometimes.
And maybe, just maybe, you have a case of the Mondays yourself. But not the sad kind the previously mentioned line tries to diagnose. You have the kind which helps you appreciate Mondays for how great they are, which is coincidentally also the kind you get from crushing an Adderall into your coffee or from when your girlfriend says she doesn't love you anymore.
5. Because Mondays are the underdog
Just admit it: you fucking love Mondays. In fact, you love everyday.
You also love mosquito bites, running into your ex, speed bumps, world wars and snake venom that has no antidote.
You just super-love it all, especially now that your doctor has upped your Prozac dose to 25 mg! You've got a whole new outlook on life and the bane of Mondays, now that a warm, fuzzy sensastion has started to overtake you and you've settled into a medicated bliss. All this just makes you realize everyday on this planet is a fucking adventure. It's a story to be told. The same moments which may make your blood boil now, are the same ones which have a good chance at making you, and whoever you recount the stories with later, shit your pants at with laughter (also a side effect of the Xanax).
While your coworkers slouch under the weight of the work week, you're twirling it on your finger like Michael Jordan's Space Jam basketball. Your optimism blinds everyone in your path, which everyone is really super-thankful for because now they'll get workplace compensation. Payday, motherfuckers!
Drink it in, friends. The coffee, that is. It's another super-fabulous Monday to start out another super-fabulous week AND WE LOVE OUR PSYCHIATRIST!
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