If you’re reading this, you understand the plight we all feel knowing there is a truly devastating lack of comedians on this earth. Can you imagine the utter societal bliss that would be inevitably follow if more people chose to forego their valuable “jobs” and “responsibilities” in order to pursue what my comedy friends refer to as the “#jokelife”? Yes, the hashtag is mandatory. We’d all wake up next to a cold, unfinished bowl of macaroni and cheese we’d made ourselves while in a blackout-state the night before, rise out of bed, opt out of a shower for the third day in a row, and face the world at a considerably early 2pm. Like I said, bliss. If you want to be funny, I say go for it. The world needs more of us, the ones who opt for borderline-poverty in exchange for the validating chuckle of a stranger. I’ve included 5 tips on joke telling. And trust me when I say this: I bet you’re hilarious.

1.) F#@! relevance. Decide what you think is funny and go with it– who cares if it’s relevant! I still really enjoy a good Monica Lewinski joke, I wish there were more. It’s important to remember that most folks go to comedy shows with a strong desire to relive events that have almost faded into impertinence.

2.) Try and elicit sympathy from your audience. Listen, what people want to hear is your self- loathing- especially when its packaged in a way that mostly just makes the audience feel sorry for you. I knew a lady who had a joke that went a little something like this: “Some dude told me I looked like Kathy Bates! And I was all like, what the hell man?” That right there is a brilliant joke. No punch line, no real story, just pure unadulterated provocation of pity.

3.) Get real with your audience. Men, for you this means sex. We’re living in a society where young white males don’t joke enough about their one-night-stands or how receiving a hand job is “whack”. I can speak for the entire universe when I say more please! And for women, getting real with your audience means, of course, referring to your period. I’m always on the edge of my seat with anticipation every time a woman jokes about how much she wants to curl up on the couch with a bag of potato chips during p.m.s. Amen, sister! Preach!

4.) Stay still. And don’t you dare touch that mic stand. I prefer all jokes to come from a place of immobility. One common mistake veteran comics do is they take the mic out of the stand and move the stand somewhere less distracting. What a huge waste of time.

5.) The 5th and most important tip: Don't ever take feedback from anyone. If someone says “Hey, good try up there buddy, can’t win ‘em all” or “Hey, I’ve watched you several times and you are just really not funny” or “Hey, seriously you should strongly consider doing something else with your life”- you look them dead in the eye and tell them you read an article in Rooster magazine that told you otherwise. They’ll back off. Rooster got mad street cred, yo.

Kristin Rand is a Denver stand-up comic, sketch writer and actress. You can see her full show schedule on kristinrand.com.