Taking the sexiness out of Valentine's Day one candy covered chocolate condom at a time.

Taking the sexiness out of Valentine's Day one candy covered chocolate condom at a time. Why, you ask?

Don’t ask questions. It’s science.

• You dirty stank
There’s more to the story as to why both you and your partner have a proclivity for paleo diets and bathing in recycled rainwater. Because of a strange interaction between your genes, body odors and pheromones, scientists at Brown University found that you’re more likely to land a  partner with the same political ideology. The scientists claim that staunch conservatives and liberals were attracted to the natural scents of those who shared their political leanings and are repelled by the scents of their party rivals. While there might be some merit to this study, there isn’t a single pheromone in this world that can make anyone attracted to Rachel Maddow.

• To clean or not to clean?
Our favorite part about science is that if anyone questions your study, you can simply respond that it doesn’t need to make sense — it’s science. Case in point: the American Sociology Review recently stomped on the advancements in equal rights for women when it published a study making a case that couples who share household chores and responsibilities have sex less often. According to the study, couples where the men performed traditional “feminine chores” — cleaning, vacuuming and folding — were likely to have sex 1.5 fewer times than other couples where the men did not do these chores. What the study failed to report was that the men who neglected the chores were no longer breathing.

• Say no to the soul, mate
Lonely scientists at the University of Toronto confirmed their hearts’ suspicions when they released a 2014 study stating that the more you think of your partner as your “soulmate,” the less happy you’ll be in your relationship. Along with the normal relationship pitfalls like family and drinking problems, researchers suggested that by referring to your partner as “soulmate,” you’re more likely to feel unsettled and anxious during relationship rough patches. Researchers remedied the situation, claiming that if you take your partner off their pedestal, you can better cope with said rough patches. Didn’t Bill Bellamy say the same thing in Def Jam’s “How To Be A Player”?

• Sexual drive
Researchers at the University of South Dakota tossed a wrench into our Valentine’s weekend plans when they released an investigative report claiming that having sex while driving is “an under-reported in-vehicle distraction” that should be taken more seriously. Adding to the bad news, the report went on to state that the most dangerous vehicular sex maneuver was a guy getting road head. In lieu of these dangerous sexual revelations, we can assume why 11 percent of men polled in the same report also admitted to rubbing one out while driving at highway speeds. We’re just applying a little Armor All, officer, we swear.

• Smaller is better?
Small penises unite! Those motivational pep talks you cried into the mirror each morning weren’t in vain. A study by the Public Library of Science has spit in the face of Mother Nature and found that men with larger penises are more likely to have their wives cheat on them. Wait, what? Women who participated in the study said that large penises are cumbersome and sometimes painful during intercourse. This inconvenient truth thus forces them to search out smaller, less endowed partners. In related news, women also find success and kindness deplorable.