Since it's becoming increasingly impossible for us to have a good time without being assaulted after a night of drinking these days, we put together a guide that'll show you how you, yourself can get in on the potentially life-endangering action going down in the Denver streetz. You know, for street cred purposes.

 

Since it's becoming increasingly impossible for us to have a good time without being assaulted after a night of drinking these days, we put together a guide that'll show you how you, yourself can get in on the potentially life-endangering action going down in the Denver streetz. You know, for street cred purposes.

Why? Because this weekend, adding to the long string of assaults in downtown Denver, shots were fired outside of Club Vinyl.  There's no joke about it, Denver is becoming a rough and tumble place and in order to keep that reputation and be the baddest-of-all-asses city ever we all need to live life a little more dangerously.

So with out further adieu, here are some tactics to follow if you wanna be hard and prove you're swangin' the biggest dick in all of Denver.

1) Be a dick – The best way to prove how hard you are at the club is to be a dick. And, the best way to be a dick is to let your testosterone take over. You are the "big man on campus," so of course you're going to bark at the dude who accidentally ran into you on the dance floor. How bout the guy that pressed the crosswalk button when you were really looking forward to it? Fuck that guy too. That button was yours to press. Now you must start some shit. Pick every fight, no matter how miniscule, and get in everyone's business. Some great phrases to remember and use include, “Move,” “You got a problem?” “Fuck you,” and, “You better stop lookin' over here, or I'm gonna knock you out.”


2) Stay put –Pick your bar and stay there. That's your turf now and it's up to you to let everyone know it. If you don't like the way a guy is dancing, get in his face. You don't like the way the 10th girl turned you down, go start a fight with her boyfriend, that asshole shouldn't have brought that skank to your castle anyway. That bar is your house. If you aren't having a good time, then nobody gets to have a good time. Make sure you mean mug everyone who walks by, and follow around anyone who you have a problem with, so they are forced to either fight you or leave.


3) Always close the bar down – Most assaults happen downtown between 1:30 a.m. and 3:00 a.m., after the bars close and the drunks pour into the street with blatant disregard for their mortality. You’re bound to run into some asshole that looks at you, looks at your girl, or even just happens to cross your booze-soaked path, here's your chance to prove what a hard ass you are. Start a fight. Meet confrontation head on, and don't leave LoDo until the houselights come on. Staying till 3 a.m. will also ensure you won't be able to get a cab, or find anything to eat, so you'll be free to stumble around Denver all night looking for trouble.

4) Hit on every woman in the place – If you're really th "Head dude in charge of shit," go ahead and grab on every girl you can find. It's a sure-fire way to leave LoDo with a potentially fatal wound. Since bars are brimming with women who want nothing to do with you, it shouldn't be hard to find someone that will help cave in your face. If you aren't punched out by an angry boyfriend, you may get a fake diamond ring to slice open your lecherous gob. If you're lucky enough, you may even be temporarily blinded by that dickhead bouncer who acts like everyone's business is his business. Pick a fight with all three and you're the baddest ass there ever was. 

5) Stay in the hot spots – If you're a real Denver "badass," you'll party with the big dogs. And, make sure that you're in prime location to flaunt your street cred in LoDo. Hot spots include Market Street, and anywhere there's a man with a cooler full of homemade burritos. 

If you're as hard as you say you are, and if you have the balls to live in Denver, you'll employ the first four tactics at bars in LoDo.  That way, the world will truly appreciate what a hardcore, motherfucker you really are.