Getting out of jail is as easy as having one of these excuses well-rehearsed.

Sometimes all you need when getting caught by the doughy arm of the law is an excuse to worm your way out of the situation. This sampling of the "wrongfully" accused proves that it doesn’t even have to be good. So go ahead speed, trespass and steal — because your “my dick is too crooked to have fit in that glory hole” alibi may just be dumb enough to work.

I’m not stalking, officer, I’m acting

Sandesh Baliga, an Indian expat in Australia was not sentenced to jail time for stalking two women he had chance encounters with when he first moved down under. After being followed, relentlessly texted, called and having Baliga refer to himself as their boyfriend, the women reported the creep to the police. In court, his lawyer argued that Baglia was obsessed with Bollywood movies and seriously thought that if he ceaselessly pursued the women, they’d eventually fall deeply in love with him. Because, that’s how those flicks go, along with about 10 or 15 flash mobs.

The judge decided that that was a pretty solid reason for stalking, and that apparently life in India must be just like a Bollywood film. Saying that the culture shock probably did confuse Baliga, and now he knows that Aussie women won’t stand for that kind of song and dance. He did, however, slap him with a strong restraining order and Baliga said he was sorry.  So, if you go to Australia feel free to pick your favorite stripper off the pole and eat chocolates with her on a park bench all day, you can blame it on American cinema. 

I was speeding officer, but it was only because my second wife needed this dick

Mohammed Anwar’s license was not revoked after he was pulled over for going 65 in a 30 mph speed zone in Scotland. Why you ask? Because his second wife was thirsty and he needed to bring her some vitamin D. That’s right, Anwar, who is allowed four wives, but only keeps two, was on his way to fulfill his “matrimonial duties” — and testified that driving really fast for sweet punanny shouldn’t be a crime. The judge agreed, and only doled out a fine. Lucky bastard.

My tits are too big to fit in that hole

Japanese bikini model, Serena Kozakura, was not charged with trespassing and property damage for breaking into a lover’s apartment because her bodacious bod physically wouldn’t allow it. Kozakura’s ex-beau alleged that she kicked a hole in his door and wriggled through to confront him about his side ho she fought with in the hallway. He even had a witness saying that she went crazy and broke in, but the hole in question — 28" x 8.7" — was a bit too tight for the model’s impressive 40" bust. You know how the saying goes, “If the tits don’t fit, you must acquit.” 

I couldn’t have been driving officer, I was sucking dick

In 2004, Heather Specyalski was acquitted of manslaughter after the Mercedes she and Neil Esposito were in careened into a tree, killing him and seriously injuring her. Esposito was a wealthy, connected business man and his family was skeptical about the circumstances as well as her demand for monetary compensation. They thought maybe she’d killed him on purpose for some quick cash with a side of brain damage. Specyalski’s defense revealed that there was no possible way she could have been driving the Mercedes because she was sucking his cock at the time.

We all know that road head is dangerous, but it’s straight suicide if the driver’s the one going down. Ask anyone, it’s impossible to stay hard veering into oncoming traffic. The defense also mentioned that they found Esposito’s mangled body pant-less at the scene, and after that there wasn’t much more convincing to do. Unlike poor Mr. Esposito, Specyalski got off and proved that sucking dick is an extremely effective way to stay out of jail.

It wasn’t me it was my evil twin

R. Sathis Raj and Sabarish Raj were spared the death penalty after one of them was caught trafficking drugs in Malaysia because the judge couldn’t figure out who was who. Raj number one was caught smuggling 166 kilos of weed and 1.7 kilos of raw opium, like in the act, with DNA and everything. He was arrested and about to be sentenced to death by hanging when the second Raj, his identical twin brother, shows up. Idiot fog descended on the precinct. The cops couldn’t remember which one they had arrested, they both said the other one did it and the judge couldn’t tell them apart at all. So, they were let go.

Makes you wish you had an identical twin doesn’t it? If you already have one, maybe you should think about becoming a drug lord in Malaysia.