Right now, at this very moment, you can reach out to a woman in Russia and ask her for a romantic getaway. Or buy a ton of bitcoin and make millions. Or read any one of the stories out there that aren't at all true but will make you feel better about your mindless position in the world. It's all due to a thing called technology, a facet of American life that is currently altering the way we experience the world. 

But it isn't all good; many products are being created now that simply bounce onto a bandwagon hoping the silly concept sticks long enough to make some coin and then bail. The following are honest to god real products that have found their way into the consumer pool. Don't blame us if you capture a bruise from banging your head on the wall while reading …


Because spice dispensing hasn’t been difficult enough over the years, a newly developed company has decided to make that mundane home task a complete nightmare moving forward. Introducing SMALT, the world’s first Bluetooth enabled salt shaker with unnecessary lighting and stereo connectivity. Conveniently missing, however, is SMEPPER, salt’s sidekick for near 10,000 years. Oversight or government conspiracy? You decide.

Egg Minder

For forty bucks (the price of about ten cartons of fresh organic eggs), you can have the peace of mind knowing you’ll be carrying a running tally of how many eggs you have at home at all times. Yes, really, that’s all this thing does. It says it right there on the Amazon product page: “Egg Minder wirelessly connects to your mobile device to track the number of eggs you have and tell you when they’re going bad.” Awesome.


Instead of trusting your internal prompts that have been developed over the course of a quarter-million years through evolution to warn you when a drink of water is needed before dying, instead rely on MyHydrate, a water bottle specifically developed to beep every few minutes so you remember to grap a gulp. On the market for forty dollars as well, the smart bottle also has a built in function of telling you how much you drank throughout the day just in case you need that valuable information for something important down the road.


Flosstime isn’t so much a smart object as much as it’s just an unnecessary waste of electronics. What it does is dispense about a foot-and-a-half of floss each time you tap the little device suctioned to your mirror. That’s it. What a time to be alive.


Ever been knee-deep in a lasagna marathon and wished that your fork would be the one at the dinner table to inform everyone that you’re eating way too fast and not your grandmother? Because the HAPIFork does just that. It monitors eating habits and vibrates when it sense you’re a fatass and should slow down before you choke on mom’s deep dish of happiness.


It’s early into the 2000s, so of course something like this had to happen. Sex, once just a timely romp on a broken futon or on the hood of a 1980s Ford Blazer, has now gone tech. Break the awkward silence at the end of it all by checking out your thrusting stats, discuss how many calories you both burned or the average temperature of your wang. Get the conversation really going by telling the woman you're with how many times you’ve used this thing on other girls, too.