It's about time all the ladies out there learned a few things … 

Bell curves are everywhere. It's the basic distribution of pretty much everything: 

And it totally applies to the size of men's pork swords. So for every Ron Jeremy, there's an anti-Ron walking around — and that dude is me. Sure, it's not ideal, as every dude over the age of 12 would do just about anything to have a monster shlong … but that's just not how it worked out for me. And after about a decade-long sexual career filled with actual models, hideous trolls, big-time successes and huge, crippling defeats, here are a few things I'd love you all to hear. 

1) There's absolutely nothing I can do about it. 

I've looked into it. And any drug, program or meditation technique promising to make your dick bigger is complete bullshit. Other than expensive, dangerous surgery, there's nothing in the world that'll make things any bigger, longer or stronger. As shown above, there's a big movement out there where you strategically pull on it to make it bigger, but that should be obviously false — if something as easy as pulling on it made it bigger, then every dude in the world would have a 10" monster. In fact, if a simple pill worked, even the famous Ron would carry them around in a Pez dispenser. 

2) Culture has already made me think I'm a freak, so if you could just be cool about it, that'd really help.

You can't make fun of someone about their weight, their looks, their intelligence, their sexuality …. but making fun of dudes with small penises is totally fine. Small dicks have been (and very well might be forever) the safest minority to alienate, because nobody will speak up and say that it's an asshole move to insult some dude's dong. So I'm sitting at the front of the bus right now — it's not cool. There's nothing we can do about it. so let's just be cool to each other, alright?

3) It's made me a better lover than you could ever imagine. 

Since I'm gonna have a little trouble with the actual "P in the V" aspect of love-making, I've earned a black belt in oral, dirty talking, foreplay and general seduction. It's gonna be all about you for a long time, so just sit back and get ready to have your mind blown. Seriously. I've got references. When was the last time some dude cleared his whole schedule for an hour and took you to Pleasuretown? Most dudes just think they'll put it in and pound away … but we both know that's not how the real fireworks go off. 

4) Having a small dinger makes me super open-minded. 

Due to my condition, I'm no longer intimidated by technology. Vibrating love eggs? Sure. Whips and chains? Yup. A 9-inch dildo? Why not? If it makes you feel good, let's get the two-day shipping and call in sick to work the next day. Normal dudes might be scared to bring in the "competition" of toys and accessories, but to quote Tyler Durden: "It's only after we've lost everything are we free to do anything." Clearly, he was talking about dudes with little cocks. 

5) If my dong size is a deal-breaker, then you're just a bitch anyway. 

Just imagine the flipside: no matter what you did, you just had a floppy old wizard's sleeve down in your bathroom area. Even though you could Kegel a cinder block, your front butt just wouldn't tighten up. What would you want dudes to say to you? "Oh my god, plowing you is like fucking a glass of warm milk!" Now that's not very nice, is it? Put yourself in my tiny underpants and don't be a beezy. 

6) Too big is way, way worse than too small. Really. 

On the lower end of the bell curve, you can still work with things. But when things get too big, sex changes from fun to painful. I've heard horror stories from ladies about coming face to face with actual pant pythons, and they literally couldn't fit it in. The main attraction of sex wasn't available, no one had a good time, and a great sadness ensued for all parties. That sounds like a pretty shitty time, so if I had to fall on one extreme of the bell curve, I'm glad it's over here.