Breaking up with someone is the worst … so why not get them to break up with you instead?
Breaking up with someone is the worst … so why not get them to break up with you instead? Here are a few of our favorite politically incorrect, completely passive aggressive ways to make that happen so you can stay inside your cloistered comfort zone forever and ever.
They're horribly immature … yet horribly effective.
1. Change your sexuality
You can't not break up when your partner tells you they love you, but wish you had the opposite genitalia. That's pretty harsh, but it's also pretty definitive. If I'm gay and you're gay, and one of us turns straight, there's not a lot of room for "how do we make this work?" There's no "I think we should see other people," because it's implied that the other people you'll be seeing are the entire opposite gender of your partner. That's why it's the ultimate lazy asshole cop-out. Perfect.
Of course if they don't believe you, you can always blame it on "confusion about your sexuality," using the excuse that you need to be alone to explore the conflicting urges you have. Tell them you've always felt this way, and experimented a little before you met them, and you think it's unfair to drag them along the path of your sexual self-discovery.
Worst case scenario: They're totally cool with it and want to open up your relationship into a polyamorous love experiment in which you can fuck other people but you can never, ever escape their scaly grasp. In that case, dont' sweat it; you've still got options. Resort to one of the other tactics listed below.
2. Become batshit crazy
Nothing's quite as passive-aggressive yet simultaneously effective as going from normal, nice Christina one day, to batshit insane Tina the next. And the more overnight this change occurs, the better your changes of scaring off your unwanted lover.
The first step to becoming insane is to let the paranoia flag fly. At every turn, demonstrate distrust of your partner, friends and society at large. Did they not call you when they said they would? They're probably cheating on you. Did the mailman not bring your package today? It's probably being dissected by the CIA right now and implanted with a recording device so the government can spy on you in the shower. All helicopters are following you.
Next phase: jealousy. You're already acting paranoid, so this should be a natural progression. Go through their phone and read their texts (as if you care), make them check-in with you when they're out. ask them who the fuck "Mitch" is, because you saw that he liked their Facebook photo and did they used to fuck or something?! Anyone they talk to of the opposite gender is a suspect.
Seal the deal with some good old fashioned irrational displays of emotion. Cry when they're on the phone with their mom for too long. Become overjoyed at inane things, like that there are tomatoes on your burger. Get pissed at completely benign situations like when they give you a massage instead of a facial for your birthday. Embrace the yin and yang of mania and depression.
And it never hurt to watch a few conspiracy theory shows so you have some talking points at dinner. One time, we heard about a guy who thought that airplane exhaust was really airplanes farting out the essence of Glenn Beck in order to rid themselves of toxic conservativism … sounds like a deal breaker to us! Score.
When pressed for an explanation, blame it on an endocrine disorder; pituitary tumor or something.
3. Talk about doing the opposite of what they want to do, all the time
You what's a great reason to break up with someone? When they hate everything you love and vice versa.
That's why you're going to adopt a policy of doing and saying the opposite of what they do.
Contradict them at every corner, second guess their every statement. Not only will they gloriously think you're making them look stupid, but it'll also start a needless fight or twelve, any one of which could be the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back. Yesssss.
Do they want Mexican? Gross. You want sushi. Did they invite you to hang out with their friends? Too bad, you're going to hang out with your friends, and no, you can't meet up later because … because … why does everything need an explanation? When they like a band or a song, you hate it. When they want to go somewhere, suggest somewhere else.
See where we're going with this? Soon enough, they'll realize there's no future to be had with someone they have literally nothing in common with. The process is like a slow burn, but it's worth it in the end because they can just chalk it up to your incompatible personalities; it's not like you're a passive aggressive weirdo reading article about how to break up passive aggressively or anything.
4. Leave your web browser open, all the time
It's really hard not to break up with someone when they sit down to use your laptop and a Google search result page for "How to repress ferocious inner serial killer nature" is open. Same with an email to a psychologist that says "I feel nothing but a burning thirst for blood."
What are you guys supposed to do after one of you finds that open? Go to mini-golf? No, idiot. You break up, because if you do it right, they've been finding this shit on your e-devices for like, months.
Another great incarnation of this tactic is to leave your texts open on your phone so they can see the text when it gets sent to you if they're snooping, which they are if you've been doing a good job. Text your phone from someone else's or have a friend do it, and say fun things like "Last nite wuz a huge orgasm baby, LOL!" and "Where did you hide the body?" Either they'll think you're cheating or killing everyone or both.
If you really want to seal the deal, leave your browser open to this article and watch the fun unfold!
5. Become the most pretentious motherfucker who ever did live
Is the temperature of your chicken precisely one degree cooler than you're used to getting at restaurants "who don't sleep through service?" Have a fit. Is your restorative yoga class starts three minutes late? Have a fit. Get the teacher fired. Oh, so your coffee wasn't ground by the teeth of African children and single brewed over an open flame wrought by burning pages of an Ayn Rand novel? That's a fit right there. Waiter at the Chinese restaurant can't speak English quite as well as you can, being from China? One meltdown, coming right up.
The least attractive quality ever aside from a soft spot for U2 and facial AIDS is, without a doubt, pretension and entitlement. There's no looking your partner in the eye lovingly after they lament the lack of Arabian stallions on this here farm.
People who take themselves far, far too seriously are people that need to move out of your house. So that, dear reader, is what you'll have to become if you want to achieve the attainable goal of getting broken up with. Just remember: everything should be palatial, everything should be organic, and you can only speak in a mysterious language of adjectives you don't know the meaning of.
6. Do a family tree search and "suddenly" find out they're your cousin
Got a computer with Photoshop? Good; then you've got yourself an impending breakup. All you have to do to change your relationship status from 'taken' to 'single' is do a quick mock-up of a family tree search result that shows you two are related. Of course, your unknowing partner will have questions they'll ask they're family about, but all you have to say to that is "People have illegitimate children all day long, are you telling me it's impossible that your Dad's one of them?" Irrefutable-ish.
Of course, a much faster method would be to go to them and say "I want to break up with you, you're weird-shaped and I don't find you attractive," but that just wouldn't be polite.