Roving gangs of racoons, falling off Pike’s Peak or getting your leg caught in a wood chipper are all things that can kill you swiftly — but there’s a lot less dramatic and messy ways to meet your maker. Not getting laid enough, wigging out in traffic and even binge-watching whole seasons of Dexter can make for a premature death. Unless you want to be the lamest member of the 27 Club, listen up.

Roving gangs of racoons, falling off Pike’s Peak or getting your leg caught in a wood chipper are all things that can kill you swiftly — but there’s a lot less dramatic and messy ways to meet your maker. Not getting laid enough, wigging out in traffic and even binge-watching whole seasons of Dexter can make for a premature death. Unless you want to be the lamest member of the 27 Club, listen up.

>> Sitting on your fat ass

The most banal and relaxing of activities is killing you. Americans now warm office chairs, bar stools and couch cushions for a whole eight hours a day. Loafing for that long leaves you hanging under a potential avalanche of chronic illnesses like heart disease, diabetes and cancer that will strike you down years before you’re ready. The only way to stave off death by sitting is to get up and move around every hour for about five minutes, get yourself a fancy standing/ walking desk … or just don’t work a boring-ass office job in the first place.

>> Eating nasty food

Obesity is at epidemic levels, and we didn’t get this chubby eating carrots and steak. We need elastic in our waistbands because we eat garbage filled with additives that might not even be safe for human consumption. That Twinkie may instantly reward your pleasure centers and stay fresh for eons to come, but artificial preservatives, dyes and flavors like yellow 5 and 6, blue 1 and 2, brominated vegetable oil, BHA and BHT are all pretty sketchy. So sketchy, in fact, that they’ve been banned by the EU, Australia and Canada because they cause cancer, birth defects and kidney disorders. Steer clear of the highly processed stuff if you want to live to see a sponge bath.

>> Flipping your shit

If you stress out about everything, we’ve got great news for you: You’re going to die soon. Stress raises blood pressure, increases arterial inflammation and puts strain on your heart. It also damages your immune system and helps unravel your DNA — so chill out already, man. A study published by the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that the tightly wound stressballs among us had shorter telomerase. Watered down, it means the part of your DNA that’s supposed to replicate flawlessly is shortened and your cells age prematurely. If you freak out every time someone doesn’t use their blinker, you’re inching your way to the grave one botched cell replication at a time.

>> Being an asshole

If you’re a certifiable jackass, no one will want to be around you, and you may as well start saving up for that single cemetery plot now. Great friends are a natural way to curb stress, and as we just learned stress is a bitch that’s poisoning you. A Swedish study found that having few or no close friends increased your chances of a heart attack by 50 percent. Buddies help you cope with stress, keep you somewhat active and enjoying frequent laughs with them releases good brain chemicals that can help regulate blood pressure so you don’t keel over in a stroke. If you don’t wanna die early, stop being a douchebag and make some friends already.

>> Not having enough orgasms

Faking it is not only detrimental to the ego, but also to your longevity. Studies in England, Sweden and at Stanford have all found that people who orgasm at least twice a week live longer than those who deny their carnal urges. Orgasms flood your body with chemicals like dopamine, endorphins, DEHA and oxytocin which relieve stress, promote healthy sleep and keep the circulatory system moving, preventing heart disease. If you’re hideous or have the personality of a Chihuahua, just invest in some battery-operated friends so you can have many more days to make that beautiful “O” face.

>> Partying too hard

While you should indulge while you’re young, partying like a repressed college freshman is going to be the death of you. Mostly because while you’re galavanting all night, you lose out on precious sleep. Sleep is essential to your mortality status — an acute lack of it makes you a short-tempered and confused asshole. Chronically, it can lead to heart disease and diabetes. Sleep lets your cells replenish themselves, gives your immune system time to recover and helps your brain properly function. Plus, when you party like Lindsay Lohan, you put an absurd amount of chemicals that don’t mix well in your body. You might think downing Jager and Red Bull is a great way to kick off a Tuesday afternoon, but your liver will want to crawl out of your ass and run for cover. When you consume responsibly and give yourself a chance to sleep it off, you’ll be good; otherwise, we hope you’re ready to party till you literally drop.