Wake us up when we're rich enough to live alone.
Humans are, for the most part, fairly terrible and disgusting. This makes living with them pretty difficult. But some — as we've all come to realize thanks to our inability to pay for a one-bedroom apartment — are much worse than others.
Here are seven habits of the worst of the worst.
1. Deciding your mutual apartment needs a pet
What kind of roommate is shittier than the one who just randomly decides they need an impromptu pet the flippant way one decides to get into cross-stitching? This person is already fairly incapable of managing their own life, yet they’ve decided they have what it takes to oversee the life and basic well-being of another living creature … except they’re never home, so it’s actually your job to oversee the basic well-being of another living creature. Oh, good.
This is the same inconsiderate roommate who doesn’t even choose a pet whose cuteness or ability to cuddle you makes them tolerable. Instead, they’ve opted for a bloodlusty ferret or worse, a fish. But after bringing home this house animal, they’re out for days and weeks at a time. Home long enough to shit, shower, wash down their birth control with your orange juice and make a PB&J sandwich. Before you know it, they’re gone, the PB&J knife is in the sink, all the while you’re left with the guilt of watching the new nameless beta fish float closer and closer to the top of its tank in murky piss water …
2. Asking to have the apartment to themselves for “intimate purposes”
The shittiest roommates are always the ones who ask you to be scarce on certain nights because they want to have a romantic evening at home with their significant other, putting you out naked and afraid on the street just so they can fellate each other on your La-Z-Boy sofa.
Know what? Maybe take your romantic spaghetti dinner and mozzarella Texas toast somewhere else. It’s a mutual space with separate living quarters not a bi-monthly personal timeshare that other people inconveniently just happen to pay monies to live in.
… And the fuck do they need the entire house for? Are they planning on engaging in inter-human coitus on every surface in your poorly decorated home? They really need to nix that “fucking in the kitchen sink” fantasy, like … tonight? Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned missionary with one hand over the mouth to muffle sound, Christmas-at-the-in-laws style? These are the questions we ask ourselves as we furiously await their “coast is clear” text while shivering outside in the autumn rain.
3. Trying to enforce a new “quiet hours” rule to accommodate their own life
The worst roommates are those who try to impose a post-9:00 p.m. “quiet hours” curfew because they suddenly got a “real job” even though they make the same amount of money as they did when they managed at Firehouse Subs. This is the same roommate who graduated two years ago and has finally caved to family pressure to take that 9-to-5 job at Hertz. Now that he’s a big corporate businessman, he’s gonna need some beauty rest, thank you very much.
But this dictatorial time regimen does not work for you. You realize this when one night when it’s two in the morning and you’re in the kitchen trying to cook up that Totino’s pizza you’ve been looking forward to for the last seven beers. One loud noise sends him into a tirade of stepdad proportions and no one wants that especially while he’s just wearing his threadbare “laundry day” briefs.
4. Trying to squirm out of utility bills
They just don’t understand why they should pay half of the utility cost … they’re “not even there that much,” “you’re the one with the space heater,” and their live-in freeloading boyfriend Chad “doesn’t even like use the stove or anything …”
Well, that’s because Chad lives on microwavable cups of cancer noodles, but that’s neither here nor there.
5. Facilitating their friend’s couch surfing odyssey
See that crusty dude over there on your couch, hogging the TV and reclining like he’s lived here long enough to qualify for rent control and making you feel awkward for walking into your own living room? Yeah, he’ll “only be here a couple of days.”
He’s “looking for apartments.”
Huh. We thought being “in between apartments” was just another manner of methodically choosing inadvertent homelessness, but … sure.
Regardless, this “apartment search” just does not end. The utilities just went up thanks to your new house-guest, and your favorite bag of chips just went missing … FACT.
6. Molting like a wild animal
The surest sign of a roommate from the deepest place in hell is massive amounts of hair that manages to find itself everywhere. It kind of isn’t their fault (we all shed), but it definitely isn’t your problem to deal with. When you ask them if they can maybe clean up some of their hair, they claim it’s the result of their new medication … but that doesn’t mean you should step in a fallen dreadlock or 30 when you’re innocently brushing your teeth. Their disgusting dripping loofah has a Jerri curl and there’s standing water containing the floating remains of their freshly shaven pubes in the shower.
All this has caused your drains to clog and deteriorate, meaning every time you want to bathe, you’re treated to an aquatic miasma of their discarded body parts squishing smugly between your toes. Thankfully the YMCA has a shower.
7. Here’s a note, there’s a note, everywhere a note …
The shittiest of shit roommates prefer to express themselves via omnipresent passive-aggressive notes to that explain some new rule or regulation they’ve imposed on your ass. There are notes on leftover items in the fridge, reminding you that those putrid Asian Zing Buffalo Wild Wings are not yours; there are notes on the empty toilet paper roll to remind you to buy more; there are notes on the dishwasher reminding you to put your half away …
Meanwhile Chad is on the couch dominating Mario Kart in your house shoes …
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