Everyone knows this. It's time to fight back.
"No way! My cat is different! He's not an asshole at all!" But before you scream that, desperately try to shake cat hair off your jacket and then spend more of your hard-earned paycheck on Fancy Feast, stop and think about it. If your cat wasn't cute, would you still give a shit? If you spent all your time, money and energy with a snapping turtle who acted like a complete dick-bag, would you still love him? Or would you shoot him out of a cannon into the ocean?
Take a look at our comprehensive list, then pour yourself a stiff bourbon and have a good hard think about what you're doing with your life. Imagine all the money and time you'd save. You could buy a new flat screen TV! And maybe a lover to watch Netflix with! Best of all, you won't physically have to clean up excrement from either of those items.
1) Cats will eat your face if you die.
After all the hard work you put in keeping that cat alive, it'll chew your face off the second you croak. There's tons of proof out there, and a simple Googling will give you plenty of disturbing results. And dogs, on the other hand, won't. Since you've done such a good job feeding, watering and loving this sentient being, a dog will give the proper respect and not cannibalize your ass. But cats don't care. And they never will. A New York medical examiner put it best: “Your faithful golden retriever might sit next to your dead body for days, starving, but the tabby won’t,” she writes. “Your pet cat will eat you right away, with no qualms at all. I’ve seen the result.”
2) Their poop can kill people or make them schizophrenic.
If you want a perfect medical reason to set your cat free forever, check out toxoplasmosis. It's a nasty bug that transmits through cat shit and fucks people up. While there is some dispute over the exact effect it can have on people, the strong correlation between cat ownership in childhood and later development of schizophrenia suggests that cat shit is indeed a risk factor for children. And that's right there on Wikipedia, so it has to be true. Plus, infected humans even found the smell of cat piss "pleasant," when they should have found it super goddamn gross.
3) When they bring you dead things (which is gross), they're actually just saying that you're a shitty hunter.
Cats are programmed to teach their offspring how to hunt and survive, because a long time ago cats just lived in the woods (where they belong) and didn't live on cat food. When cats bring you dead animals, they're trying to teach you how to hunt, because they think you'll never figure it out on your own. That's cold. Ice cold.
4) The best way to get their attention is to not care about them, which is stupid.
If this list of Google results wasn't depressing enough on its own, the punch line sure will be. The answer is — basically ignore them. Make brief eye contact, then act like they don't exist. They'll come bother you after that. What a bullshit way to act, cats. Normal methods of affection are useless, and any creature that acts like our psychotic ex-girlfriend Carol is bad news.
5) Cats knock your shit off tables because they're programmed to be complete jerks.
So if you have anything you love on a table, don't let a cat near it. Apparently because your favorite coffee mug might be a mouse, your cat will wreck that shit. But the worst part is that after they realize that making a mess gets your attention, they'll just do it to get a reaction from you — and hopefully some food.
6) They only rub up against you to mark you as their property.
Ready to get grossed out some more? That endearing rub against your leg isn't a way of showing affection — it's a way to claim you as their own. It say so, right here on the Internet: "Thus, when a cat rubs up against your legs or slides its face along your hand, it is engaging their scent glands in order to leave its unique scent on you." They're just marking you as their property. That's it. Gross.
7) They sleep up to 16 hours a day.
What a bunch of lazy bastards.