A few common practices of your inner asshole should do the trick.

Sometimes life gets you down. There doesn’t have to be any specific event for it to happen, we’re all just fragile creatures with variations in chemical imbalances. It happens. Actual, debilitating depression aside (which should be treated by a licensed doctor … or weed), getting the help needed is sometimes overkill and too much work — when a few common practices of your inner asshole should do the trick.

Burn your bills

So you don’t have any money to pay the bills stacked on your kitchen counter mocking your lifestyle? Fuck ‘em, burn ‘em. This is a really terrible way to find a long-term solution to a constrictive issue, but for at least a few hours you’ll feel like you took life by the balls and showed it who really runs this shit. Anarchy, bitch!

Go to the mall and judge people

As every dipwad on American roads has proven already, people love to talk shit when they’re petty and incapable of acting normal. If this is you, just go to the mall and discredit everyone for choosing things you disapprove of. No need to have any real validity behind any judgments, just talk your shit quietly and get a small ego-boost that’s normally reserved for dudes in big trucks and suburban mothers.

Argue online

The beauty of being embedded in such a connected world is that there doesn’t have to be physical contact by anyone to anyone else ever — ass beating included. You can say anything you’ve ever wanted to say and nobody can do shit about it. Maybe you’re the type of person that just needs to vet your insecurities by questioning the opinions of others who have a completely different perspective than you do. Since there’s no right or wrong answer to anything online, you can just claim supremacy at any time and move on. 

Get a haircut

It’s just nice to look good. Go on, treat yoself …

Call the cops on your neighbors

Claire and her rotating boyfriends continue to practice Lord of the Dance or whatever the fuck they’re stomping around about up there for? Finally get the nerve to call the cops on them, because what else is there to do when you’re feeling down than to drag others along on S.S. Misery. Things are going to be noisy when you cram 200 people into one complex on top of one another, but fuck it, that's too logical — this is all about you.

Drink TANG

Seriously, that stuff is fucking delicious …

Watch Maury Povich

There’s a reason why these type of shows exist, and it’s because there are so many people out there in worse situations than you are — exploitation is huge business. It’s a sad reality, but what do you care, you’re swimming around at your own pity-pool-party and need to assert yourself by comparing privileges. Extend this therapy by making it a Maury/Springer/COPS/Dr. Phil marathon. You earned it.


Bills, neighbors, traffic, life got you down and nothing else is working? Boosting morale is as easy as free food. The nice thing about COSTCO is if you’re creative enough you don’t even need a membership to get in. Just tell the front bouncer you’re interested in their yearly service and move slowly into the crowd like a goddamn backyard marmot. Slip away from being seen and enjoy several delicacies on your munchie walkabout. Free is happiness.