“Colorado Most Obsessed with Gas Station Snacks” 

A recent study ranked Colorado as the state most obsessed with gas station snacks, which in addition to being completely useless information, has to be the stupidest study we’ve ever heard about. The only thing that makes this information even more absurd is that the report came from Canada Sports Betting, which we all know is the highest authority when it comes to gas station snacks. 

The report goes on to explain that Doritos, Cheetos, Oreos and Snickers were the top four gas station snacks, and we regret to inform you that it appears that Bugles didn’t even make the list, which if you ask us, is total bullshit.

Honestly, we didn’t need a report to tell us how much we like gas station snacks. Our insides are actively corroding from constant breakfasts that consist of the holy trinity: energy drinks, nicotine pouches, and Slim Jims. 

Hikers Eat Mushrooms, Report Missing Friend Dead Except He Wasn’t Dead and Was Very Much Still Alive

A group of hikers is catching a whole bunch of shit after they ate mushrooms, lost a friend in the woods, and then called to report their friend as dead. In case you missed it in the headline two sentences ago, the friend wasn’t actually dead, but was just missing… and on mushrooms.

According to NBC, two ball-tripping hikers were in the Adirondack Mountains in New York when they called authorities to report their friend as deceased. They got walked down to an ambulance from a park ranger, but that’s not really the point or moral of this story. The point of this story is that, if we’re ever eating mushrooms with you in the woods and you call 911 for any reason that isn’t an actual, life-threatening emergency, it’s going to really, really harsh our browns.