As we walked into the AMC this week, several thoughts crossed our mind in rapid succession. Thoughts like “There are too many people in this theater,” and “There’s no turning back now.”
However, above all else, we couldn’t help but wonder, “Do the AMC employees know that we’re this high? Can they see the two tall boys we’ve tried to covet within our puffy jacket inner pockets? Surely these AMC workers, above all other walks of life, understand that this is a three-hour-long undertaking and that 48 ounces of beer is seen as a universal minimum?”
It was at dinner not two hours before that we had scrolled across Rolling Stone’s newly published magnum opus: an intriguing article about a young journalist seeing Avatar 2 on a head full of psilocybin mushrooms. We were utterly shocked, as, over the years, Rolling Stone had distanced itself from inebriative journalism.
As a plethora of thoughts crossed our mind, we couldn’t help but wonder “Doesn’t Rolling Stone know that pitching experiences on substances in a vain attempt to get paid while pretending to be Hunter S. Thompson is kind of our thing?”
And like that, it was as if the Lord himself hath spoke. We went out to our car and grabbed our handful of psilocybin capsules in the plastic bag labeled “EMERGENCY: For spiteful journalism purposes only,” held them all in our mouth on the way back to the dinner table, and washed them down with the last few ounces of our amber ale.
So, essentially, that’s how we ended up sitting in a movie theater with a comeup that stemmed from euphoric to terrifying depending on what time it was. We had those big 3D glasses hiding our gargantuan pupils, and we were no longer giving our girlfriend shit about bringing a blanket into a movie theater.
At this point, we already knew: we had used up nearly half of our word count setting up the scene and backstory, and landing an article that we pitched as “half trip report and half movie review” may prove to be more difficult than we had originally thought.
Throughout the movie, we had several giggle fits that received elbows in our ribs from our left side and judgmental stares from the right. The first came when we tried to time the opening of a tallboy with the rising action soundtrack of the movie. As explosions and a sitting orchestra went hard as a motherfucker, our index finger found the little aluminum tab on the top of the can. We gently lifted up on the tab, right as the scene shifted to tranquil and silent forest.
KSSSSHHHHUNK. As we subtly tried to fit our fist in our mouth to refrain from laughing like a stoned chimpanzee, we could feel piercing looks from all sides. We’re not going to do that again.
Here’s another fun one for you: since there’s no way way in hell we were going to be able to pay attention to plot points, we started trying to hold our breath for the duration of all the underwater scenes. (Hint: the blue movie people have a greater lung capacity than their human counterparts.) This inevitably resulted in another giggle fit.
Another question we had going into this cinematic experience: how do you differentiate good guys from bad guys in a world where everyone is blue? James Cameron’s solution, it would seem, was to outfit all the bad guys with blue tactical glasses like they were Navy Seals going after Bin Laden.
We shit you not, there we were, galaxies out of our own head, trying to maintain composure and take this movie seriously, and we’re met with a fight scene that we have to view through tears from laughing too hard because all the bad guy avatars are wearing these bright blue tactical glasses like they just got out of the police academy.
So what’s Rooster’s verdict? Like, what, you want a numerical score on a scale to ten from the person that ingested hallucinatory substances prior to viewing the movie? Buddy, we’ll put it this way: it was phenomenal to look at.
However, if you think you’re going to eat a handful of psilocybin and come out of that theater able to easily extrapolate a three-part essay on Pandora being a metaphor for colonialism, shit man, it sounds like you may just be high on mushrooms.