“God saved me from the crash, just so I can beat Pete Davidson’s Ass.” 

Kanye West, in a leaked song expressing his discontent for Pete Davidson — the man currently banging his ex wife. Being a religious man, Kanye truly understands God saves individuals solely to let them beat the ass of another man. 

Pokemon Police 

Two LA Police officers who were fired for misconduct had their dismissal upheld in appeals court after it was found that instead of responding to a call for backup during a robbery in progress, the two officers were tracking a Snorlax in Pokemon Go and blatantly ignoring dispatch. In other news, a new lawsuit has just been filed by Snorlax against the LAPD for excessive use of force. 

Pot Brownies For Seniors 

A South Dakota music teacher is in jail for possession of a controlled substance after his 73 year-old grandma unknowingly took his pot brownies to her senior center and handed them out to residents. Center nurses became concerned when the seniors made a run on the Werther’s candy and the prune juice dispenser. 

New Religion: Adonitology 

A religion where followers worship women with big curvy butts. 

“Jim is part of the church of Adonitology. He says it’s a religion he can finally get behind.” 

Free $10,000 in Bitcoin!

All you have to do is relocate to ruby red Northern Arkansas where a new initiative to lure entrepreneurs and tech workers to the region is offering anyone $10,000 in cash or cold hard bitcoin to sell their soul and move. The other option is to bob for used condoms in a prison toilet and we still prefer this option.  

Colorado Marshall Fire Victims Still Paying HOA Dues

Some of the victims of the Marshall Fire are being forced to pay their HOA fees even after their homes burned down and their livelihoods destroyed. The HOA said the contractual obligation leaves them no choice but to charge the monthly fees… and the unsightliness of the burned hedges is not a good look for the community.