Wait … we can't get hot just by drinking tea?
Whenever you see a really, really hot woman on Instagram, a little jealousy is normal. But if you wonder how they got so hot, the actual answer is most often pulled right from Parks and Rec:
That doesn't stop people from trying to get someone else's look anyway. If you've spent any amount of time on Instagram, you've probably seen thousands of genetically perfect women hawking some kind of detox tea, and claiming you can get there by drinking it. A simple search on Instagram brings you to Lyfe Tea, Fit Tea, Skinny Bunny Tea, SkinnyMint, TinyTea Teatox, Flat Tummy Tea, ShowGirlSlim, Baetea, Naked Me Tea, and My Beauty Tea et. al. That's a lot of leaf water for an extremely expensive amount.
The folks over at Racked decided to dig in, and figure out what the hell could even lead people to believe that a simple tea will make them skinny.
Well, if you spend all day on the shitter, evacuating your bowels at top speed, you don't have any time to eat and gain weight. The outlet found …
Every time you see this, remember that she's being paid a shitload to be gorgeous and lie to you.
The primary ingredient in nearly every single evening "detoxifying" tea is senna, an FDA-approved plant mainly used as a laxative.
"It can cause cramping, indigestion, dehydration, and is also just not particularly pleasant," says Scott Gavura, an Ontario-based pharmacist and writer at the medical watchdog site Science-Based Medicine. "Taking a laxative when you think you're bloated or overweight is not something you want to do from a medical perspective. That's not healthy to yourself, and if you take it for a long period of time, it can be disruptive for your digestion and to the bacterial flora in your colon."
And the other half of the problem is that you don't need detoxing. While you might fill yourself with toxins, your normally functioning kidneys and liver do a bang-up job of ridding you of them … so shitting your brains out might feel "detoxifying," but it's not even a medical thing in the first place.
"The healthy body has kidneys, a liver, skin, even lungs that are detoxifying as we speak. There is no known way — certainly not through detox treatments — to make something that works perfectly well in a healthy body work better," Edzard Ernst, an academic physician, told the newspaper. He called products that promise to detoxify your body "a criminal exploitation of the gullible man on the street."
So don't be a gullible asshole. Realize that hot women and men are that way for genetic reasons, and no amount of steamy poop water will fix a banged-up face. Save yourself the money.