Attention: The Dark Lord, Satan himself, is exacting hellish revenge on all of humanity by keeping everyone from ingesting the recommended daily value of potassium. That's right people, your beloved potassium-filled BFF, the banana, is filled with fucking deadly spiders. Just…kill us now.
You know the end is near when your favorite weekday breakfast fruit is just a vehicle that Satan has used to keep you from getting your recommended daily intake of potassium…by filling it it with deadly, pregnant spiders. Holy. Fucking. Shit.
One London woman discovered Satan's horrific death-trap as she was about to bite into one of the pest-filled fruits that she bought from her local grocery store. As she held the banana to her mouth, her eyes caught the nightmarish gleam of something white on the banana's outer skin. "I thought it was mold," said Consi Taylor, of London, referring to the white spots she noticed. "But when I had a closer look I saw some funny looking spots…and was horrified to see they were spiders. They were hatching out on the table, scurrying around on my carpet." Satan had a little chuckle to himself.
Before realizing that what had burst forth from her beloved bananas was the most poisonous spider on planet Earth, the Brazilian Wandering Spider (aka Banana Spider), Consi tried to return the bananas to the grocery store where she got them. She was initially offered $16 back for her troubles…but that was before she sent a photo of the demon spawn that was now infesting her home to a pest control specialist. The pest guy took one look at the piece of shit spider in the photo, and basically told Consi and her family to get the fuck out and never return. That is, until their house was thoroughly fumigated.
The grocery store offered to pay for the cost of the fumigation and to front Consi's hotel bill, but insisted that it had "rigorous controls on products at all stages." Apparently said controls aren't for keeping poisonous hell-spiders from exploding all over your bananas, face, and home. But until Consi's home is exorcized of the spiders, she's content with decreasing her potassium intake for a while. "I hope I didn’t eat one but I can’t be sure," she said. "I now have a phobia of buying bananas. We don’t know whether they’ve all gone."
If you or someone you know has recently bought bananas, here's what you should do:
But what both Satan and Consi are unaware of, is that anyone's potassium intake can be supplemented with white beans and leafy greens! Muahaha, Satan, you may have taken our bananas, but you'll never take our beans. Potassium forever, yo.