I met a great guy but he doesn’t listen to dubstep yet. What’s the best way to ease him into my world but not scare him away?  

The fastest way to indoctrinate this untainted soul is probably to tell him you are going on a surprise vacation to Ohio for Lost Lands Music Festival. Blindfold him as soon as you get there, lead him under the Brontosaurus statue, tell him to count to 10, then take off the blindfold and read the note that you  gave him. Once he hits 10 and takes off the blindfold, he will notice that you are gone and all the note says is:

 “I have taken your wallet and cellphone… you will need to beg, barter and steal in order to complete this challenge. It will be cold tonight, I suggest you start making friends now in order to survive the night.” 

Nothing like some forced assimilation and random wookery to really trauma bond your new boyfriend to you faster than you can say, “Oohh this shit be hittin’ different.” Wait did you say not scare him away? Damn. I don’t know, maybe invite him to a show and encourage him to bring a friend of his choice? This will allow him to feel more comfortable in this new genre and won’t single him out as the new guy, while you introduce him to your tribe of bass goblins that no longer understand showers or boundaries. 

 

The holidays are coming up so what are some gift ideas for my bass obsessed friends? 

The Shank Aaron merch store is always a good place to start! Just kidding. But not really. Or am I? Probably not. But for real, I have compiled a list that is sure to make any wook’s holiday one to remember. 

Narcan: Drugs are bad kids. Stay in school. 

Loop Ear Plugs: These are the most comfortable I have tried and they aren’t so expensive that losing them will ruin your day. 

An Ayahuasca Ceremony: Nothing says happy holidays like puking and shitting yourself down the path to enlightenment. 

A Rooftop Tent: Not only are these great for camping and festivals, your raver friend will probably end up homeless at some point so it provides an elevated sleeping platform to set up in the Walmart parking lot that will now be their home. *bonus gift – a Planet Fitness membership for showers and poops. 

What do DJ’s do during the winter when there aren’t as many shows or music festivals?

OK I’m going to let you in on a little secret. We all go down to a magical island to recuperate from the year of touring. It used to be Epstein’s island but the government murdered him in jail to protect the names of his clients so we got the island ON THE CHEAP! Once there we do IV drips, massages, facials and rewatch The Sopranos. And therapy! So much therapy. We do detox cleanses from the months and months of airport food, as well as cold plunges! Ok I lied. There is no DJ Island. We just do normal stuff like skiing and depression. Epstein really did get murdered though.