What’s the best way to beat the heat for Summers in Denver?

Tubing:  If you have ever found yourself wondering if you could survive inside of a washing machine on the cold cycle then maybe tubing is for you! On one hand, Colorado rivers are mostly fed by melting snow runoff and are so fucking cold you will think you are in a Coors Light commercial as your numb, pale ass bounces off every single rock of this nightmare ride. On the other hand, there’s nothing colder than the morgue they are going to send your body to after you inevitably drown so consider the heat… beaten. 

Water World: (non Kevin Costener version) – I’ll skip right to the cons for this one. If you are in a relationship with a woman who is pressuring you into having children and you want to change her mind, take her to Water World. This place makes juvie look like a private school. Let me paint a picture here: you go to Water World, grab a giant, heavy, awkward tube and try to manhandle it up flight after flight of rusty stairs as it friction burns your nipples off, waiting in line with a bunch of future felons and Nissan Altima drivers, ascending ever higher toward the very sun you are trying to avoid. At last you reach the top and take a 17 second ride down a tube of pee and spilled Modelo until you splash into a lukewarm Petri dish of bacteria which immediately washes off any amount of sunscreen you had on and then you do this for 5 more hours. 

Boating: Colorado sure does have a lot of boat owners for being a state with such few lakes. But the problem with boat owners is that they tend to be… how do we say this… politically divisive. And once you are out on that open water and boat dude pops his shirt off to reveal a mix of farmer’s tan and various constitution or punisher tattoos, it’s already too late. You are in his world now. You can say “adios” to a chill afternoon with the homies, and say “hello” to an afternoon of Costco brand seltzers, Zyn’s and awkward conversations. But don’t say “adios” too loud, because Boat dude might be in ICE.  And if there is any liberal heady boat owning wooks out there disagreeing with me, then come pick me up in the S.S. Sea of “Deems” or whatever you named it, and prove me wrong. 

When is the best time to go to Red Rocks for a Concert?  

I have a very contrarian viewpoint on this because I like to head to Red Rocks a lot later than most people. Many like to head to Red Rocks insanely early around 2-3pm so that they have ample time to party in the lots, tailgate and still be in line early enough to reserve a row close to the stage. I like to head in much later, even after dinner and I have some solid reasons why. “But Shank? You might miss the openers!” And as someone who has recently opened Red Rocks, I realize the irony here, but hear me out. If you get there too early you wear yourself out quickly. Hours wandering around the hot parking lot baking in the sun, followed by crossfit level hike up a steep incline and sprinting on stairs is gonna leave anyone worn out for those openers. I prefer to head in between 8 and 9pm. By this time, little Timmy “took too much ketamine” has already avoided water for 6 hours, took all his drugs, threw up in a pashmina, and fought a security guard and will be leaving the venue in his CRV, giving up an absolutely PRIME parking spot right up front for me to swoop in on. Then I walk straight up the ramp with no line, glide through security and make my way to the pretzel stand. Then I head to pretty much any spot in Red Rocks that I want to watch the show from because by this time most people have lost half their squad to either other groups, or to an existential bathroom crash-out from which they never return. My point is, with Red Rocks for me, it’s actually a sprint not a marathon. Marathons are hard and have a ton of losers.

Got a question for the Colorado Legend himself? Send it to Tom@therooster.com along with a track request for your next wedding.